One of the major issues I had raising children with my narc was his inability to look at himself critically.  As the Chosen One of a Narc, I am excessively good at looking at myself critically.  Ask me, at any random point in any random day, and I will come up with 20 Major Flaws that exist in myself.   I will also assume that these flaws are unique to me; no one else could possibly have the sheer number of major flaws that I have.  This is one of the reasons my Narc Chose Me –  I am always ready to accept blame, he is always ready to dish it out.

 

My Narc and I always had children, so I don’t know how this plays out in the childless relationship.  I am intimately familiar though, with how this manifests in the relationship with children.  There are only 2 basic principles you need to know:

 

1.  He is not at fault.  He has nothing at all to do with any issues regarding the children
2. You are at fault.

It’s as simple as that.   You are wrong, he is right.  You are small, he is large.  You are weak, he has power.  Period.  Can we drop this ridiculous discussion now?? (his words, not mine!)

 

My narc and I raised (and I say “we” very lightly, as you will see) 4 boys.  The first was his toddler child from his first marriage, the other 3 boys from our union.  For those of you out there that are Chosen One’s, with children, there is one thing you know with no doubt:  You worry, he does not.

You will bring up issues, problems, concerns, musings, and he will ask you why you are attacking him.   I mean this quite literally.  It makes absolutely no difference what issue, problem or worry you express.  Every single one will end with him asking “and this is my fault?”.   Let’s look at a few examples:

 

1.  I say “our boys just don’t take school seriously.  They don’t seem to care that they haven’t done their homework, or that they’ve gotten an F on a test.  Do you have insight into this; any ideas of how to address this, what we can do to help them?”  I ask this because the thought of showing up without completed homework led to suicidal thoughts for me.

 

Narc’s Response:  So you’re saying this is all my fault?

 

2.  I say “I’m having trouble feeding the boys healthy foods that keep their weight in check.  Any ideas?  I say this because, while I sometimes binge, and I definitely have a negative body image, I am Not Overweight, as he, and his entire family, is.

 

 

Narc’s Response:  So you’re saying this is all my fault?

 

3.  I say “It seems like our eldest son has no intention of graduating college in 4 years.  We don’t have that much money saved, and I think we should let him know that we are only paying for 4 years, and anything after he has to finance on his own.  I say this because…..we don’t have enough money to pay for him, and our other sons, to go through 5 years of college!

 

 

 

Narc’s Response:  So you’re saying this is all my fault?

 

I am not quite sure where this comes from.  I’d like to think this is an actual Feeling coming from the narc; that he is afraid maybe he has caused this problem.  And, for 25 years, this is what I though.  (Or rather, I thought I had caused the problem, and he was correct questioning me regarding his role).  Everything I have read, though, and everything I understand as I go forward, leads me to a different conclusion.

The Narc will never accept criticism.

I’m not sure why.  There are so many theories, like maybe they were excessively criticized as a child, or maybe they were never criticized as a child.  I don’t know what theory is true.  But I do know, in no uncertain terms, that you will never get anywhere criticizing your narc, or in any way stating something that could be perceived as criticism.  Your narc will sacrifice anything to protect himself against criticism.  He will sacrifice your children, your marriage, your business, as long as he doesn’t have to accept criticism.

 

So, here I am, dealing with 3 boys (the oldest, my step-son, has been gone since age 13) and there is one thing I know for sure:

 If there is a problem, I am going to handle it alone.

 

I can list the traits I have given my boys:  potential addiction, low level of frustration, tendency towards paranoia and inability to “hang” with peers, worry and anxiety,  but also a talent for music, empathy, communication skills,  and a deep  sense of loyalty

 

I can tell you what good qualities he has given them.  Endless energy, tenacity, an ability and desire to cook, an ability to build, and fix things.  I can also list the negative qualities he has given them, like a tendency to gain weight and not care about school.

 

Here’s the hard part:  I can sit and discuss my weaknesses.  I can share with my boys the difficulties I’ve had with characteristics I’ve passed on to them.  I can give them ideas, advice regarding how I’ve dealt with these issues, or what I’ve tried that doesn’t work, or what things I have utterly failed at, and perhaps continue to fail at.

 

Unfortunately, the narc can not.  He can’t admit that he has any issues, or weaknesses.  If he can’t admit that he has them, he certainly can’t share ideas about how to deal with them.  And, if you ask him to, as I asked mine to do, when I said “I know you didn’t like school, and our boys don’t like school.  Do you have any ideas for them about how to get through it without failing?”, you will get “so this is my fault?”.

In the end, you are on your own.  And this sucks.  This is not how things are supposed to be.  It’s supposed to be that you and your spouse/significant other say “arghhh……I’ve dealt with this before, and here’s what I did” or “crap, I don’t know what to do here, but I think you have dealt with this, what are your ideas?”.

 

If I can boil this down I’d say this:

If you feel alone, you are alone.  

Physical presence does not equal actual presence.  If you are looking at your mate, and feeling like you are the only one who see’s the problem –  You Are Alone.

 

Ultimately, you are better off alone than with him.  This is a fact.  While I am out of the animated movies phase, I am still a fan of “Let It Go”, so Let It Go.  He won’t help you.

There is good news, though.  The good news is that You, and Your Children (if you have them) will Figure it Out.   At some point, the pieces will come together.  Some day you will inherently understand that the phrase

“are you saying this is my fault”

has no place in a healthy relationship.