This is the legacy of being raised by, & marrying narcissists:  You never know if your reaction is valid or too much.  Such is the situation I find myself in.  I can’t decide if it’s time to quit my job, or if I’m being unreasonable.

This issue seems ridiculous.  Part of my job is to make sure the blankets are cleaned 2x/year.  They are due for cleaning.  The bosses want them done prior to 10/29, when we are hosting a large training.  Seems simple, right?

We have 55 blankets, each weighing approximately 3 pounds.  This would be an easy chore if I could have someone pick up all the blankets in the morning, clean them and bring them back the next day.  The owners won’t let me do that.  We are open 7 days a week, and they insist on having blankets there at all times.  Last time I suggested that I could get half cleaned, tag them in some way, then get the untagged ones cleaned later in the week.  No go.

It has to be done this way:  On a Saturday, after the 10AM class, half the blankets can be taken for cleaning.  They need to be returned by 4, switched out with the other half of the blankets, so there are blankets for the 4:00 class.  That second half need to be returned by Sunday AM.  There is literally no other way they will allow this be done.  (Not 100% true – if I could find someone to pick them up at 9PM and return them cleaned by 8:30 the next morning………)

Last April I carted half of the blankets to the laundromat where a woman cleaned them.  She called me around 3.  I picked up the clean ones, brought them back to the studio, piled up my car with the remaining dirty ones and took them to the laundromat. Around 6 she called again and I went and picked up the second batch and brought them back.  It was exhausting, and hard physical labor.

The task is now more complex because we recently fired the woman who does our laundry.  The chances of her agreeing to the blanket routine again are slim and none.  I talked one of the owners into allowing me to offer the job to a member of our work exchange staff who is now doing our laundry.  She agreed.

I asked the Work Exchange employee, spelled it out, in detail, and described all of the issues. She said yes.  She then asked me if I could pay her ahead of time.  The problem with that was that both the owners were gone on retreats, our accountant wasn’t in until next week and I was pretty sure I couldn’t take money our of the drawer.  I was stymied.  She asked me about it on Wednesday.  I forgot about it.  Actually, I didn’t forget about it, I simply had no idea what to do.

By Friday I knew the wound on my arm was infected, so I went to my Dr.  She freaked out.  As soon as she heard I had passed out she went into overdrive.  She went through all of my labs, set me up for an abdominal scan (kidney & liver functions are off), set me up with a cardiologist for a heart halter monitor, and sent me to the wound clinic.   She also lectured me, as did the Dr at the wound clinic.  They gave me a new antibiotic and stated, over and over, that I had to be careful.  It is entirely possible that I have a heart issue, and that my fainting was due to stoppages in my heart.  They also explained, in graphic detail, that if the wound does not heal properly, I could end up septic.

The next morning I got a call from the manager at the studio.  The WE woman who was doing the blankets was standing there asking for money.  I said “I don’t know what to do.  I was supposed to ask the owner last night for a check, but I was dealing with my medical issues and didn’t.  I don’t know how to solve this problem”.

With that sentence a lightbulb went off – I am a problem solver.  There is only one circumstance that prevents me from solving a problem – anxiety.  The issue with these blankets had me in such a state of anxiety I had shut down.

I’m not sure if the issue is just the blankets, or the general feeling in the studio.  There are no “thank you”‘s, “job well done”, “kudos”, but there is plenty of “why isn’t this done”, “when will this be done”, “why can’t you get this right”.

Which brings me back to my initial question:  Am I over-reacting, or do I need to get out of here?  How much of my current health issues are related to my work?  Is it worth it?

Initially the job provided me the opportunity to work on boundaries, and loosen up my personal expectations of myself.  I’m wondering if I have maxed out on those lessons, and it is time to move on.  I’m a bit afraid actually, of what is happening with my health.  I know from experience that when I take a turn for the worse it can be really, really bad.

I am in a quandary.  Flummoxed.  Confused.

And tired.