Yesterday was my middle son’s birthday. He was with his dad. He was there an unusually long time, and he came home very excited; again, unusual. He showed me a flash drive that his dad had given him. Apparently his dad had a video camera from the early years of our marriage, and he’d moved the videos to the flash drive. My son had spent his birthday with his dad and his dad’s wife, watching movies of his childhood. He couldn’t wait for me to watch them. Exciting, eh?
I’m hoping that the feelings I’ve been experiencing are heightened by quarantine because boy – I am really raw. It will be 7 years in March that my ex asked for a divorce and right now, it feels like yesterday. And I can’t figure out – am I over reacting? The thought of watching these videos, videos of the life I thought I had, after they’ve been viewed by my ex and his new wife; they feel ruined. I know now that any movies or pictures I look at were a lie. They were based on lies and deceit. Those scenes you see in movies, where the ex’s come together to joyfully look through the remnants of their life together – that will never happen for me and my ex. I’m not even sure I’ll ever be able to look through the old photo albums without reliving this pain. And the thought that he shared this part of My life with her……ugh. I don’t even know what to do with that.
Have all of my children’s memories been negated? And when the fuck does this stop hurting? Can I ever recover from this man who left me to wrap up our life alone? Does it ever end? If not, what is the point of all the work I’ve done?