Congratulations! You have been chosen by a narcissist.
I know what you’re thinking: hmmm, doesn’t seem like this is a Good Thing. Don’t you usually congratulate someone for some type of achievement? A promotion, a new baby, a new home, a new degree – these are the types of things you typically gets Congrats for.
Being chosen as the companion to a narc though, is actually quite the compliment. The narc has needs, and they are all he* thinks about. ME WANT is his only thought process. So, if he has chosen you, you are competent enough to fulfill his ME WANT. Maybe you make a good salary, maybe you are great with his kids, maybe you elevate his status in his community or work. Whatever the reason, you are the Chosen One. You have something he needs, and you should congratulate yourself on having this area (or areas) of such competence that he believes you will fulfill ME WANT.
As you congratulate yourself, keep in mind that there have been others that did not make it through the screening process. He has checked out others, perhaps romanced them for a time, maybe even making them some promises, but ultimately he Chose You. The others failed to fulfill ME WANT, but you did not. You are a sucess; you are the Chosen One.
If you are just coming to terms that you are in (or out) of a relationship with a narc, rest assured: I am not making fun of you! I am not suggesting that you don’t have a long road ahead of you in terms of healing, and I am Definitely Not Suggesting that you did something to deserve this. Well, that one, I guess I am suggesting. you did do something to deserve this: something Good. Somehow, you are/were filling his ME WANT, and fulfilling it well.
If you have been with your Narc for long, this is particularly important for you to realize because, if you are like most of us, you are a walking ball of nothing. You feel empty, weak, incompetent, unsure of who you are or what you want, guilty about everything, useless and maybe even physically ill. You feel trapped, betrayed, heart broken, and hurt in a way that you have no words for. You are in a pain like no other.
If you are like me, you have watched him walk away from your 25 year relationship into the arms of his new girl, prancing her around your children and community with 45 days of ending your marriage. You have watched him move out with nothing but his clothes, saying, in fact, that he wants nothing from your union except his clothing. If you are at all like me, you are in a state of shock. Who walks away from a 25 year union with nothing but their clothes, then immediately starts prancing around with their new girl? I can say with 100% certainty: Not A Normal Person.
If you are anything like me you will spend this 1st year trying to figure what it was about You that make it justifiable for him to treat you this way. What is it you did that made it ok for him to not only abandon you, but immediately go public with his new girl. You will spend the 1st year trying to figure out, when you hear he’s telling people that you hadn’t really been “married” for the past 10 years, what that meant. You’ll chastise yourself for not loving him enough, for shoving into the arms of another. You’ll ruminate over the past 10 years and wonder how they were different then the marriages of your friends and relatives. Were those marriages that much better? What happened here???
So why am I congratulating you? Two Reasons:
- You are the competent one. You are the one who fulfilled his ME WANT mentality in the first place. You having something real and tangible going for you; otherwise you would never have been the Chosen One. You made it through his screening process, you proved yourself worthy, strong, successful.
- You got out! It doesn’t matter how you got out. It doesn’t matter if you left him, if he left you, if he has a new girl, or many new girls, or if you have a new boy (good for you if do), or if he left with the metaphorical slap of taking only his clothing. None of that matters. All that matters right now is You Got Out.
I won’t sugar coat it – recovery is hard. I say that as someone not even close to considering myself recovered. I say that as the one who still feels disgusted and shame for having stayed with him, even falling for him in the first place. I am the one who every days writes, meditates, talks to my therapist and other supporters, trying to figure out what happened. Where did I go? How did I completely disappear? Who am I and what do I do now? How on earth am I supposed to feel complete or happy ever again.
The conclusion I’ve come to is that I have to take the 1st step, which is to Congratulate Myself. I was the Chosen One because I was able to fulfill his ME WANTS. And, I fulfilled it for 25 years, until I said enough. I was the Chosen One because of my good qualities. I was chosen for my professional accomplishments, my loving and caring nature, my good looks, my social skills and creativity. I was Chosen for a reason.
And, if I was Chosen for those reasons, they have to still be in me somewhere, right? There has to be a way to get all of those things back; those and probably even more, since I’ve now survived 25 years of hell.
So today, I say to myself :
Congratulations! You Go Girl!
*substitute she if you have been Chosen by a female narc. They exist too.