Amy Schumer, anxiety, cancer, covert narcissist, divorce, Divorce, family, fear, God, guilt, health, Karma, marriage, narcissist, pain, recovery, self awareness, shame, the universe, Truth Bombs, vodka
I love yoga, my yoga studio and my yoga peeps. For a time I bought into the idea that “the universe” speaks to us. It is an attractive idea, right? In the same way religious people say their lives are controlled by God, many yoga peeps say our lives are controlled by the universe. Either stance espouses the same message – all we need to do is sit back, believe, and read the signs. I have spent my adult years trying to buy into these dogma’s, because true believers have an easier time getting through life day to day. Who doesn’t want that?
One of the tools used by Yogi’s to perpetuate this dogma are Truth Bombs. Created by Danielle Laporte, they are phrases meant to provide inspiration. They come in a box of 134 “truth bombs”. There is an open box at my yoga studio, and members regularly choose one to read and focus on. Many believe they are directed by the universe to pick ones that they need to read; that the one they pick is evidence of a higher power, a guiding force, an all powerful presence who is ultimately in control, creating the circumstances we need in life to capitalize on our good Karma.
I pick one 1 time each week, when doing my work exchange shift. I’ve been doing work exchange for about 7 months, 1 shift per week, which means I’ve picked a truth bomb approximately 28 times. I’ll add about 6 to that, because there have been times I’ve just been hanging out and have picked one. I’m not a math whiz, but it seems to me that the likelihood of picking the same truth bomb is 1 in 134. Given the fact I’ve picked a truth bomb approximately 34 times, it seem highly unlikely that I’d pick one more then once. Yet I have. Three times now I’ve picked the following truth bomb:
Free To Go
To be clear, in case I haven’t already, I am not a believer in the “universe speaks to us” mantra. I don’t believe in Karma, I don’t believe “everything happens for a reason”, and I don’t believe there is a correlation between what you get and what you deserve. In fact, if you are a fan of Amy Schumer, I highly recommend her skit “The Universe” – it sums up how I feel about the idea of the universe speaking to us. So, I will not pretend that I see this as some type of sign.
I have been thinking about it though. What if I really were Free To Go? What would that mean to me? I imagine that there are limitless numbers of interpretations, but there are only 2 that stick in my mind. They are:
- Free to Go, as in leave my family
- Free to Go as in die; leave my body
This feels really crazy to me. I could interpret this statement as free to go to the beach, or on vacation, or to an advanced yoga class, or back to school, but none of these thoughts entered my mind until right now, when I forced myself to think of alternate interpretations. I could never leave my boys, especially in light of the fact that their dad basically ignores them. So ,when I see the phrase “Free To Go”, I can’t help thinking I am free to die.
This is a truely horrible thing to say, especially given all of the pain, suffering and death in our world, but there are more hours then not lately that I’d love to die. Having faced this with my cancer and chronic lung disease, I am aware that when the time comes I won’t be happy about it. In fact, the idea that my time is up is horrifying. Right now though, with death not on the immediate horizon, facing years of forensic accounting, divorce maneuvering and posturing, trying to minimize the damage of my marriage, it looks like a pretty good alternative.
I keep having these weeks in which I can’t wait to get into my PJ’s and lay in bed watching netflix all day. I am so overwhelmed with anger & confusion, I have no alternative but to shut myself down. I pour myself vodka and retreat to the only place I feel true peace; my bed. While there, I ruminate over how much easier it would be to die then to face what I have to deal with. Divorcing a covert narcissist with whom you have 3 children, a home and a partially cash business is hell.
For my ex, this is entertaining. He is chock full of confidence and bravado. He feels confident in his belief that all of our marital issues were mine, that he owes me nothing, that his is a victim. In direct contrast, I spend my days examining every word, every action, every thought, trying to see where I went wrong. I spend my time thinking I could have changed things; perhaps I could change things now. I feel guilt, fear and pain, while he feels nothing more than a minor annoyance in that I and the children are interfering with he and his new girl.
He knows that all he need do is bide his time. In time, chances are I’ll give in or die. Throughout our marriage I gave in. Sometimes took longer then others, but ultimately, I always gave in. Now I am poised on the precipice of death, with only a 30% chance of being alive 2 years from now. Given what he knows about me, either outcome is more plausible then me standing up for myself. Given what I know about myself, either outcome is more plausible then me standing up for myself.
Free to Go.