I’m Moving On!!!!

What a week!  In my wildest dreams I could not have envisioned the week I’ve had.   Three Huge Things Happened.  I’ll explain them in reverse.

The 3rd thing happened today.  Today I had another divorce hearing.  I assumed it would amount to nothing, especially when my attorney called me at 9AM to tell me about the new documents my spouse had sent, via his attorney, claiming he owed me less for various reasons.  I should have expected this as this has been his tactic for 25 years – wait until hours before a big decision has to be made and bombard me with new, altering information.  Fortunately, my attorney realized this was his tactic and reserved his morning to review the documentation.  So it was that at 1:00 my attorney and I met at the courthouse and reviewed our offer, unchanged by the information he had reviewed.  In fact, the new information played in my favor, because the Master hearing the case realized that it was evidence of my spouse running up huge bills without my approval or awareness.  After 4 hours, several tantrums by my spouse, 2 “ready to walk” statements from me, we came to an agreement & it is on the books:  I’m Getting Divorced!!!!  More importantly, I’m getting everything I asked for 3 years ago!!!  Yes, this is petty, but I feel vindicated.  I’m sorry for that.  Yet I feel vindicated.

Going forward I know that my now ex  (how fun to type that!!) can dick me over, but Today, I have everything I wanted.   The foreclosure on my house has been handled, my ex is going to fix what needs to be fixed in the house, I can sell the house and move, and I’ll be getting Child Support/Alimony/Medical Reimbursements that will make my life manageable.  Will this last going forward?  Who knows.  As of today though, it is on record that I have what I need to move forward, to create a new life.

The second thing happened was earlier in the week. I received an email from my employer.  If you follow me you know that I’ve been working 5-7 hours week at my yoga studio, taking care of the facility.  This has been a temporary job, renewed month to month since November.  I Love This Job, which I’ve written about before.  This week one of the owners sent me an email telling me they Love me Too, and and asking me if I’d like to make this a permanent job.   Seriously?  Would I like to commit to doing 4 of the things I love to do on a  weekly basis, when I am healthy enough to do it, in an environment I love, and get paid???   Why not ask me if I would like to eat copious amounts of chocolate and guacamole every single day with no negative ramifications.  Ummmm…….YES!  I wish I could add an auditory file with my screaming in delight.  Yes!!!

The most important part, the 1st of the 3 things, happened on Sunday.  I understood that this was a pivotal event, but never imagined it was part of the proverbial 3.

On Sunday my eldest son told me that his father told him the following:  His younger brother (who I kicked out in May,  and who then moved in with his father & his GF) needed help, and the ex had forced him to go to therapy.  I have been tortured over this.  It took every ounce of my being to tell my 20 year old son that if he wasn’t going to get the help he needed, he had to leave my home.  It has been shear hell for me since he moved out in May, knowing he was living with his dad and the Gf and, presumably, doing great.  To be clear – all I want is for him to do great, regardless of the cost to me.  If his happiness is contingent on my never seeing him again, I’ll take that.  All I want for him, and I think all any mother wants for their child, is the Child’s happiness, and we will pay what ever is needed to ensure that.

I was hesitantly sure I was doing the right thing, kicking him out, forcing his to pursue options other than the security of my protection, until the dagger that twisted in heart.  In December  my oldest told me (last month) that he was “supporting his younger brother in the way he needed, with 100% acceptance”.  I’m sure I’m  not writing this properly, but trust me when I say, my eldest was saying to me “Mom, you were wrong.  All my brother needed was love and acceptance.  He is doing well given those things by his dad, the GF and I, and you are out of our lives”.   This happened a few days before Christmas, leaving me despondent and questioning everything I believed to be true.  And, it led to a Christmas without one of my children, a pain I can’t describe.

This past Sunday though, my eldest confirmed that he was wrong – his brother needed help, his father had admitted such.  My eldest stated that he felt that with the proper help, his brother will come back to me.  Does that make sense?

Three things are the charm, right?  The negative part of me is convinced that given these 3 Hugely Positive events I’ll most likely die in my sleep tonight!

Here is the kicker.  And where I might lose you.

I have never been a believer in the “universe”, or God, or Angels.   As I write this I’m still not sure I believe in these things.  Yet I can’t help but notice several things that have happened over the past few weeks.

In my meditation, therapy and yoga practice I’ve been encouraged to reach out to the “Angels” in my life – my loved ones who have passed.    I have had a really shitty 3 years,  and it’s been really hard for me to acknowledge there might be more out there for me, other than the horrible here and now.

Enter alternate ideas.

Did I acquiesce to this idea, or did it force itself upon me?  I don’t know.  I know 2 things:  A few weeks ago I started talking to the important people in my life who have passed – my Grandmother, My Beloved Uncle and a fellow Ovarian Cancer sufferer.  I felt ridiculous reaching out to them, but my life was so out of control I thought why not?  As soon as I started reaching out to them, which really means thinking about them and asking them for advice, I started seeing feathers.  A lot of feathers.  Every where I went.  I assumed it was coincidence.  I was seeing them because I was spending time thinking of my loved ones as Angels, so it made sense I would see more feathers, right?   This changed today.

I was working this morning and, because I had the divorce hearing this afternoon I had to ask the studio owner if I could leave early.  Therefore, she knew what was happening.  Shortly before I was to leave she shared with me the idea of using my soul, my meditation, my connection to all universal, to reach the soul of my spouse to finalize this divorce.  I am a fan of meditation, so I listened to her suggestion and decided to give it a try.  While in the hearing I would meditate, ground myself in our earth, form a bubbble around me that encoumpasses all that exisists in our world, and send it out, like all encompassing waves.  I would then ask the soul of my spouse to join me.  Not the angry, disappointed, defensive person I’ve been dealing with, the internal soul; the part of him that is pure, genuine and seeking peace.

I’ll admit – I was hesitant to try this, and not sure I would.

As I pulled up to the courthouse I was presented with the perfect parking spot.   I started to pull in and, as I did, a car pulled up next to me and offered me the parking pass they had paid for but no longer needed.  Stroke of good luck, right?  I  giddily accepted it, and I parallel parked on my 1st try and put the pass in my window.  I gathered my papers and walked to the court room.  As it turned out, I went to the wrong one.  The security officer told me where to go and, a bit annoyed, I walked off.  Is it because I was annoyed I was looking at the ground?  I don’t know.  All I know is that I saw 3 feathers on my way to the correct court room.

I find it interesting that I am hesitant to believe in good Karma, in the thought that there are forces out there rooting for me, but I easily accept the fact that things will not go my way, that the forces are against me.  Today, after seeing those feathers, after remembering all of the good that has happened this week, after reflecting on the past 3 years and how much I have fought for truth and peace, after engaging in all that feels uncomfortable to me, I decided that there must be souls out there willing to help me.  Throughout today’s proceedings, every time things fell apart, I slowed down my breathing and I pictured what I wanted.

My vision was this.  I envisioned my spouse and myself, in the form of our essential souls.  Those souls, having been burnt to the ground over the past 3 years, were a pile of ashes.  Out of those ashes though arose the Phoenix, the ultimate representation of who we both wanted to be.

It was touch and go.  There were at least 3 times I thought things would fall apart.  Yet here I am tonight, with an agreement, On Record, which will lead to my divorce and the start of my new life.  And, the start of his new life.

Part of me recognizes that today was a sad day.  Today, the man I agreed to love until death, was removed from my life.  The vow I made is over.  That is sad.  Perhaps tragic.  In the same token though, we are both free now.  We are free to reinvent our lives, and hopefully, create internal happiness as well as external goodness in our world.  If I couldn’t keep my marriage intact, this is the best alternative, right?

So yes, it all feels too good to be true.   The weeks of hell leading to today are a resounding memory, yet they all fade into the background of this week.  And, while I temper my hope with the reality that nothing is constant but change, I celebrate this week as a week of true Love and Divine Intervention.



2 thoughts on “I’m Moving On!!!!

  1. So proud of you and glad to hear that papers are signed. I admire your strength and ability to look onward. Hopefully picking up the pieces of your life will get a bit easier from here. Hope the new beginning has “new drawers” to fill with good shit, not crappy shit!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s all fantastic news! I’m so glad you hung in there and got the settlement you wanted and deserved, not the one he was willing to toss your way.

    Life sounds so promising for you right now and I’m very happy for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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