Remember when we were kids and when we complained “life’s not fair”?   We’d hear “life’s not fair, then you die”.  Turns out this is not a good thing to say to a child who’s mother has cancer.    I’ve said it a few times to my 14 year old, and I finally looked as the color drained from his face one day.  I’ve decided to stop saying it.

Today, he was out running around and I texted him that he needed to come home because he had not finished his chores.  He texted back “it’s not fair”.  It was all I could do not to write back what I was really thinking, so here it is.

Damn right it’s not fair.  I’ve not yet found what makes life “fair”.  I’ve not yet found any evidence that Karma is a bitch, or actually exists at all.  I’ve not yet seen that “things happen for a reason”, “everything turns out for the best”, or my “life is going to get better” soon.

In all honesty, if you look around at the people who have “made it”, the people who live in nice houses, have nice cars, have a happy family and a mate, they aren’t necessarily the deserving ones.  In fact, I know a lot of them that don’t deserve any of what they have, yet they have it.

Yesterday I lost my car & house key chain.  I’ve never lost it before.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will show up, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen.  During the time this key chain went missing my ex was mowing the lawn.  I was upstairs cleaning.    I feel crazy even suggesting this, but his car lease is up soon, and I can’t help wondering if he’s planning to come to take the car when his lease is up.  Why do I think that?  Because I have learned that Life is Not Fair.

I started out my marriage doing the right things.  I made sure I was aware of all of our finances, I made sure everything was in both our names, and I tried to make sure we were making responsible financial decisions.  Somewhere along the way though, my narc got the better of me.  He convinced me that every time I questioned his latest financial spree I was emasculating him; talking to him in that “tone of voice” my mother used.  That was the most powerful weapon in his arsenal – “you’re speaking that way your mom does,  you’re condescending”.  After years of it, I  shut down.  Those words were all I needed to back off.

Eventually, despite my objections, he leased a car.  Now, the lease is almost up and, as happens with all leases, he owns nothing and he has to come up with a down payment on a new lease.  He might even owe on the lease, due to excess miles or damage to the car.

There are some people that leases work for; people with excess money.  Leasing a car guarantees that you will always have a car payment, and that you will always be stuck on the merry-go-round of leasing.  When the lease is up you can lease a new car – If you have the money to do so.   If they have the money being the key ingredient.

Since all of our cars are in his name, and his name alone, all he needs is a key to come to take the car I’ve been using.    I think he might actually do it.

What will his story be, if that’s what he does?  The fact that I’ve been here day in, day out, taking care of my kids and my house while he’s been out living it up with the New Girl, seems evidence enough that he’s not the stand-up guy he claims to be.  It’s all the evidence I need.  The fact that I’m the one who is chronically ill, while he is a chronic liar, is all the evidence I need.   The fact that my son now has his own bedroom in the GF’s house, with the pool & the outdoor kitchen, while I’ll wondering how I’ll deal with the new termite infestation in this crappy house I’m stuck in is all the proof I need.

He will, like so many other narc’s though, come up with a way to spin this.  He’ll tell a story that makes him the victim, me the perpetrator.  He might not get the kids to agree, but he’ll convince his New Girl, and his other supporters, that I created our situation, that he’s the innocent one.  And if I end up without a car, well…..I guess that will just be further evidence of my failure in his Story of His Life.

And yes, I do feel like a failure.  Which I could easily live with, if he felt the same way.  What I can’t live with is me feeling like a failure while he’s walking around feeling like a victim.

Let’s hope he doesn’t take the car, because that would be the final straw.  All gloves off if that happens.

Yes, Life is Not Fair.  & then You Die.