I was advised, early in my divorce, to take control of the process. Close accounts, force issues, freeze assets, etc. I didn’t, because I was conditioned to not threaten my narcissist. I had been taught to think that revenge would be horrible. I say conditioned because in retrospect, I can count on 1 hand the number of times there was actual revenge. It wasn’t until the final month of the divorce process that I began to actively protect myself, and I have already forgotten this lesson.
I decided to get actual proof that my ex narc was paying for life insurance with me as the beneficiary he is supposed to have. I 1st contacted him in mid-march seeking documents proving this insurance existed. It is now June 4th and……nothing. I am not surprised by this, but I am disappointed in myself for not having pursued this sooner.
Here is what I’ve learned about separating from a narcissist.
- All of the horror stories you’ve heard will happen to you. I know – this person who love bombed you, called you their soul mate, devoted their very existence to you – they would never screw you. Guess what – he will. (mine is a he, but this applies to she’s also) Not only will he screw you, but he is actively seeking ways to do so.
- He will circumvent the process every step of the way. He thrives on control, and you have always been under his thumb. He is loath to give that up and will only do so when faced with a court order. Even his own attorney telling him to do something will be ineffective.
- He will act like the wounded party. Every chance he gets he will present you as the villain and he the innocent victim. For the time being the people in your circle will believe that you are crazy, a bitch, horribly irresponsible etc. When you see people in the store they will look at you with the expression that communicates how sorry they feel for you. You will wonder if they feel sorry for you because they think you are crazy or because you are getting divorced. It is most likely the 1st. Get used to it……for the time being.
- He will lie. He does lie. He thrives on lying. It makes no difference how ludicrous the lie, he’ll tell it anyway.
- If it isn’t in writing, cc’d to your attorney and his attorney, it did not/will not happen. Until you get outsiders involved, until outsiders see, in black and white, what he is doing, you will never make progress.
- You are better off without him. Your particular circumstances do not matter. Whether you are struggling financially or set for life, alone with the kids or have tons of support, have a home are homeless – all of these are secondary issues. You will always be better off leading a life separate from him. It might take a few years to see this, but trust me-you will be better off.
Back to the life insurance. on May 20th my ex had cc’d me on an email to the insurance company, in which he said “I appreciate your help with changing the beneficiary on my policy and it is with reluctance that I bother you again”. See what I mean? He is alleging that my requests for resolution, even though 2 months old, are unreasonable. Bullshit.
My original request was March 11. On June 2nd, with nothing else done, I decided to email the rep myself. I sent an email Monday morning asking if the documents he had so far provided me were sufficient should I have to file a claim. She wrote back saying that they were “working on” getting the policy written; that what I currently had was not sufficient. I replied stating that I was concerned because this was supposed to happen 2 years ago and I didn’t get the sense that he was actively pursuing it. Her response was that the company required an actual copy of our divorce agreement and that he had mailed it the day before. Hmmmm…. He mailed it on Sunday?
In case any of this is unclear, let me illustrate what is happening.
- He is pissed that I called him out for not taking care of this so he’s stalling.
- He didn’t actually do anything about it until I cc’ed my attorney.
- He told the insurance rep that I was crazy, or a bitch, or stupid…..not sure what, but clearly she isn’t concerned about this.
About 6 weeks ago he told me that the insurance company requires an actual copy of the divorce agreement, all he had was a copy and he asked if I have an actual copy. This is a standard tactic of the narc – put the action required on you so they are no longer responsible. I told him he would have to get an “actual copy” himself. That was 6 weeks ago. Apparently he just mailed it this Sunday. Deep breaths……
Fortunately, part of our divorce agreement requires issues to be resolved by a mediator, for which he foots the bill. From today forward I will email the insurance rep and cc the narc and the mediator. And you know what? He’ll be really pissed off, but I don’t care. If I’ve learned nothing else, I know now that I can take care of myself and that he can’t take that away from me.
The moral is: be proactive from the beginning. Don’t wait 2 years to ask about something he was supposed to do. You are not dealing with a normal person, and taking care of yourself must be your 1st priority.
You got this!