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I had dinner with 2 of my sons tonight.  One is turning 25 in a few weeks, and he told me his plan.  He wants to rent a party bus which will take a bunch of people around the city for a safe night of partying.  He mentioned it because he wanted to know – could he invite me and his dad, or did he have to choose?

I told him that I was fine going on the bus with his dad, but I would not go with the dads GF.  I went on to say that I had no problem with him inviting the dad and the GF instead of me; that we could celebrate another time.

I wanted to explain why, but I didn’t.  I wanted to tell him this:

She’s not the 1st, and she won’t be the last.  His dad is a whore, and she has nothing to do with that.  There is something lacking in his dad, and he will never be satisfied.  I’ve come to terms with that.  You should come to terms with that, because he is not necessarily a bad person, just a sad person.  He will never feel good about himself, and that is really sad.

What she did though …….. pathetic?  Evil?  Disturbed?  Heartless?  There are so many words to use, yet which convey her actions adequately?  Which explain the fact that she is the mother of 2 boys, yet did not hesitate to screw a man who’s wife was going through chemo.  Which adequately explains the depravity of a woman who, 2 months after her paramours leaves his wife of 25 years, insinuates herself into his life and the lives of his children?  How do I explain the poignancy of my 13 year old, who initiated the following discussion with his dad, 2 months after his dad moved out: 

Son to dad:  Why is she always with us (GF)?  Why can’t we spend time together just us?

Dad to son:  Because I’m lonely.

Son to dad:  How can you be lonely?  I’m sitting right next to you?

This was a real conversation that was initiated not by me, by my son.  I Never mentioned the GF.  I never asked when she was with them, what they did – NOTHING.  This was a 13 year old boy, telling his father this was wrong.

There is something wrong with her.  There is something wrong with him.  I suppose the difference is that I know what is wrong with him.  I know who he is, what he is about, what he will say and do.  All I know about her is this:

She screwed my ex while I was going through chemo.  Two months after leaving me, she met him and our 3 boys at a restaurant to “meet them”, and she has been with them every second of every day since then.

Who does that?  What Mother does that?  

My beloved son, it took me 25 years to understand who and what your father is.  I know how to deal with him without sacrificing myself, or any of you.  I understand his thought process, a thought process that enables him to engage in behavior no healthy person would engage in.  I know how to navigate around him.

I have no idea who, or what, she is.  I do not understand how a grown woman, with 2 children, can do what she did.  I can not imagine what is happening in her brain that justifies her constant presence in the life of 3 children going through the trauma of divorce and cancer.  

What sort of person does that?  What are the rationalizations running through her head that say “it’s okay to screw this guy while his wife is in chemo.  It’s okay to meet his children.  It’s okay to become a permanent fixture in his kids life, even though he’s been separated less than 2 months, from a mother who has been there, every day for 23 years, and now has cancer”.  

What type of person thinks this way?  

Perhaps I’m meant to be the “bigger person” and “forgive” this.  

To me though, it’s not an issue of “forgiveness”.  This is an issue of self preservation.   This is an issue of not getting sucked in to the insane thought patterns of a screwed up, perhaps even evil person.  Because the truth is, I’d do anything for you boys.  And anything includes developing a relationship with her, because it would ease your burden.  It would make your life easier if I were socializing with her, pretending I was okay around her, accepting social invitations with her.  I did that with his 1st wife to make things easier for your half brother.  There was a time in my life in which I would do that.

I guess I am at the point in my life in which I will no longer do anything for my children.  I am no longer willing to surround myself with terrible people to make things easier for my children.  For that, sons, I am sorry.  

I also accept the fact that it might be easier to be around the dad and this GF than with me.  I understand that there is a lack of accountability that is very attractive.  I hear you, loud and clear, when you say “it was a big party”.  I get it.  I was a young adult.  I would rather have been at a big party than a family night at the dining room table.  

Son, do what you have to do.  I am doing what I have to do.  If I do things that don’t include you, please know, I am heart broken that you are not with me.  If you choose to spend time with them, I am devastated that they are more attractive than I.

There is one thing I understand though, that I hope you will understand when you have children:  

There is more value to a family night at the dining room table than any party you can attend.  

Those big parties will leave you feeling empty.  They mean nothing.  The people that attend them mean nothing.  The people that attend them are there in that moment, and that moment only.  Tomorrow, they are gone.

The people who sit at that family dining room table – they are everything.  These are the people who fill you up. These are the people who leave you feeling good about yourself, good about your life.  These are the people who are there for you the day after, the week after, the month after.

So, my beloved son, if you want to party with your dad and his GF on the night of your birthday, It Is Okay.  Go Ahead.  I will not join you, but I will never hold it against you.

I will be waiting.  I will be at our dining room table.  I will wait for the moments that matter.  I will fill you up when you need filling, I will be there on the days no one else will, and I will make sure you feel good about yourself.   Because you should feel good about yourself.  You are one of the good ones

I love you.  Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

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