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(As always, substitute her if you are a guy)
I thought it might be fun for some of us regulars to share how our ex introduced his adulterer to our kids. I’ll go first. I’ll tell it from my point of view and his point of view (his in red. Like Scarlet Letter Red)
ME: Five days after denying he was seeing anyone I found the evidence of his affair. First I found the receipt for the flowers he sent 2 days after denying she existed. The message was #aomlaoy (all of me loves all of you). A few minutes later I saw the picture of her on the desktop of his office computer – the computer our sons used.
Within a week I realized a few things.
- His current paramour was the woman he’d accompanied to on his 1st 10K the previous May. (he is not a runner) The one who he claimed not to be waiting for at the finish line, while me and our 3 children waited for him for 40 minutes after he’d finished running.
- He, and I, had known her for years. I think 18 to be exact.
- She had been left by her husband while pregnant with her second child. Her ex married someone in their neighborhood. She went on to live with 2 other men, both of whom remain in her neighborhood. After all, it is where the “cool kids” live. I suppose you’d call it a “blended neighborhood”.
- Two weeks before asking me for a divorce my ex called me from work. He excitedly told me about local the party that had been raided over the weekend, and the plethora of underage drinkers who’d been busted. How did he know? Her child was among the busted. When I asked how he knew he said “have to run; getting busy at work.” (Do you think she knows he hung up from talking to her and called me?)
About two weeks after he moved out he rented an apartment in between me and the GF. I started hearing rumors that he was spending most nights at the GF’s house, staying at the apartment only when he had our youngest son (13 at the time). Yes, I was pissed that he was squandering our family money on an apartment he didn’t really need, but what the heck, who am I to judge.
About a month and a half after he moved out he showed up at our youngest sons baseball game. It was a Sunday. He had visitation with all 3 sons on Sundays. At the end of the game, during which I did not acknowledge him, he caught up to me and said “I’m taking the boys out to lunch. Why don’t you come with us?”. I’ll admit, it has taken me over 2 years to understand the nuances of the life I lived with him, but at this time I was 100% clear about one aspect of our relationship/family: I was the one that started & maintained all conversation and social interaction. He was the one who sat with his head down, sulking, acting like a spoiled child, and I guess fantasizing about his GF. He needed me to put on the show that our boys had come to view as “normal”. WIthout me it was obvious he was the sulking, selfish, unengaged father he actually was. With me, he flew under the radar and got kudos for the things he loved to show off – his cooking and his home improvement skills. He need me to maintain his image as a swell dad.
I said “no thanks. That will never happen”, kissed my son goodbye and left.
This brings us to the 3rd week in May. He asked for the divorce on March 30th & stated he was moving out, yet continued to come home. I found the proof of the GF on April 5th and generously, I think, waited until April 12 when I told him “if you do not get out of this house by tomorrow I can not be held responsible for what happens to your penis during the night while you’re sleeping on my sofa”. The next day he told the boys we were divorcing and moved out.
Now we get to the 3rd week in May. A month has gone by since I kicked him out, 1 1/2 months since he asked for a divorce. During this time it has dawned on me that our eldest son graduated with her eldest son. Our middle son was in his senior year of high school. He was preparing to graduate with her son, also a senior at the same high school. I thought long and hard about this. My son was walking through the hallways with her son. Her son was living with my sons dad 6 nights each week. I hope that my ex and his paramour attempted to hide their dalliance, but I suspected that given the number of people in our community who asked me “is that his car in her driveway at night” that word was getting out. After much thought I emailed him and said this:
“you need to tell the boys about your GF. If you don’t, her son, or someone else in the community, will tell our son. I don’t want my son walking down the hallway at school only to have her son stop him and say ‘hey, we’re going to be brothers'”. I thought this was clear. TELL our boys about her. Certainly he, and she, would have the common sense to do no more, right?? Right????? WRONG!!
Sunday he took the boys out to dinner. I was a bit worried about how they would react to the news that he has a GF. Little did I know I had nothing to worry about. She went to Dinner With Them. Yes – that is how my children found out their dad had a whore on the side. At Chile’s, to be exact.
I was stunned. I was at a loss for words, something that happens infrequently for me. “She was really nice” they assured me.
From that night on she was with my boys every time they were with their dad. When our youngest, then 13, said “why is she with us all the time?” he replied “because I’m lonely”. Out of the mouths of babes, not planted by me, not even thought of by me, my son said “what do you mean you’re lonely? I’m sitting right next to you”. This happened in July. This was the only thing that got me through the rest of the summer. The thought that my 13 year old understood how inappropriate it was for his dad to insinuate his new GF into their lives was that little nugget of hope I had that perhaps I was not crazy after all.s
If you ask him his version he’d say something like this. Our marriage was over. It had been over for 10 years. She didn’t love me. I realized that life is short, and I didn’t want to die without having someone really kiss me, you know, kiss me like she loves me, before I die. The kids will be fine. It’s more important to them that I be happy than anything else. And besides, she [me] TOLD ME to introduce the boys to my girlfriend.
Rationalization at it’s best. Here is what I’ve come to learn.
When you are dealing with a narcissist you, your children, and all other friends and relatives are simply pawns in his game of life.
The narcissist has no real feelings. Since he has no really feelings he can’t imagine what feelings his children might have.
All that matters to the narcissist is the narcissist.
His thought process goes like this:
I need. I want. I deserve.
This is really important to understand. While you are torturing yourself wondering how others might feel, he is Not. He doesn’t even know enough to ponder how others might feel. In his world all that matters is what he feels, wants and needs. And yes, you do not understand. To stay with a narcissist for any length of time you have to be the person who puts everyone else before them. To stay with this selfish, shit of a person, you have to be thinking, at all times, about his needs instead of yours or you children. This is why he picked you. You are a sensitive, real person. Go You!! What a weird compliment, right?
In July he sent me the following text: “I’m leaving work soon. Can I come see you?”. I asked why. He said “to talk about us”. This is code, if you don’t already know. This means the new girl is not fulfilling my needs so I need to see if I can get my needs filled from you. Because again, all that matters is ME. Me Need. Me Want.
Fortunately I was able to write back “there is no us”, to which he replied “never mind” and I never answered. The next day I bought a phone with a new number, told him to cancel my phone on the family plan, and turned my old phone off. I then sold the family phone on ebay. Hahahaha! I haven’t communicated with him since.
Which is not to say I didn’t want to. Did I want to see him that night? Of Course! Did I want to hear those words “I made a mistake” – YES!! Did I want my old life back? Damn right I did. Lucky for me I had cancer. Lucky for me I was crazy aware that my clock was ticking and I had to make some hard choices. Lucky for me I have a head that is a great shape for baldness. Who’d have thought these would be things I’d feel “lucky” about, but they gave me the push I needed to shut him down.
So, tell me your stories. How did it end? How long before he introduced your kids or his family to his new girl? (his extended family met her on July 4th. She’s been part of the family ever since. Well, her and her boys). How did your kids handle it? How did you handle it? How did you find the strength to keep him out of your life?
I can’t wait to hear your stories! Thanks for sharing.
PS: Next blog I’ll write about loneliness. Who is lonely? The narcissist or the narcissists partner???