I think it’s called Karma?

Background:

• The support my ex was stipulated to pay was increased, substantially, on 2/1
• The amount he actually paid did not go up.  At all.
• His response, when I asked him about it, was “that’s between the state and my employer.  I have nothing to do with it”
• I spent the next 6 weeks on the phone with Domestic Relations (DR).  Actually, 4 weeks, because they could do nothing until March 1st.  Why?  He wasn’t technically in arrears till then.
• Throughout March the payment continued to be short, and I continued to call DR.
•  He now owes over $1100.

Today I got a payment higher than I expected.  I made a mental note to call Domestic Relations and thank them.  I forgot within seconds of making that mental note.

This afternoon my cell rang with an unknown number.  I answered it.  I never answer my phone.  Even when I know the caller.

It was Domestic Relations!

Here’s what they said:

‘We have spoken directly to HIM.  He is aware of the amount he owes, and he is aware that it is  his responsibility to pay it.  We have informed him that we have an open file on him.   If he has complied with all his financial obligations by the end of April we will close the file.  If not, we will take further  action.  He has assured us he will pay what he owes.’

I know it is tacky to gloat but Holy Shit!!!  I think this might be a circumstance that calls for a bit of gloating!  Like, I WON!!   You LOST!   You are an Asshole and Now Everyone Knows It!!

A year ago I would not have written, or felt, those words.  A year ago I would have thought “yeah, he’ll get around it.  Not counting my chickens, cause he’ll kill them”.

The narcissist is a master at getting “around” things.  They are masters of the story, spinning facts, changing the conversation, talking themselves out of situations.  He’s been “winning” for years.  What few victories I’ve had have been short lived at best.  Most of my victories have come with punishment.  It was because of the punishments I learned not to push issues he didn’t want to address.  In fact, I was about to write about how I wasn’t going to push the back payments because I feared retribution when I got that call today!

It is a cold, hard, reality that those of us living with a narcissist understand:  they usually do “win”.  Occasionally things will happen like  what happened between him and DR.   And I might continue to “win” for this month.  He might actually pay me what he owes.  There will come a time though, that I will pay for this “victory”.  (And yes, I am acutely aware that this is not a “victory”, it is simply compliance with what the court has ordered, making it quite ludicrous that I even view it as a victory).

Why do they “win”?  It is really quite simple:  the narcissist doesn’t care.  They don’t care what they have to do to win.  Lie, cheat, steal, fein poverty, break thier leg, become homeless?  They will do it all if they have to.  And, they will feel no shame or remorse while doing it.  They feel one thing only:  I WANT.  That is all they ever think about.

In case you’re questioning this, ask yourself what your narcissist wants.  Mine wanted to be seen as Father of the Year, a Successful Businessman, an Excellent Provider, and a Spouse Who will Do Anything For His Wife/Family.  Looks great from the outside, right?  When I look inside though, I see that each and every thing he did to project these ideals to the world served him.

• Father of the Year:  He coached sports – because he loves sports.  Get involved in music?  Or robotics?  NEVER.
• Successful Businessman:  He opened businesses because he wanted to be in charge; not have to answer to anyone.  Did he ever care what impact that had on me or our kids  NO.
• Excellent provider:  What we wanted we got.  Even if he had to steal from the business, lie on taxes, run up credit cards.  If I objected?  One more example of how I emasculated him.
• Spouse who will do anything for his wife/family?  He’d renovate anything.  He’s spend hours on his tractor.  He’d take on any project for me.  Would he hire someone to do the work so he could spend time with us?  NO!

See how this works?  Everything he does is what he wants to do, when he wants to do it.

This is how they catch us.  They pick us because they know one thing:  We Do Care.  We have an exaggerated sense of right and wrong, and we are determined to do what is right.  We will do the “right thing” regardless of the consequence to us.  We will accept responsibility, put aside our own wants and needs, tap dance across black ice if necessary.   We will do Anything to make sure that we are doing the honest, generous, truthful thing.  At all times.

That is why they picked us.  If you think about it we are the perfect yin to their yang.  We will walk beside them cleaning up their messes, paying their bills, babysitting their kids, compensating for their poor behavior and justifying the shit they put others through.

My lesson today is this:  I might get every dollar he owes me by the end of the month.  If I do I will save as much as I can because I know one thing for certain:  I will pay  a price for this.  I will pay for calling DR.  I will pay for pushing them to go after him.  I will pay for “making him pay me so much” that it might interfere on his latest vacation [next weekend] with his New Girl.

I will pay.

What I won’t do – Regret It.  I will no longer back off to avoid his wrath.  Why?  I have learned that I can handle more shit than he can dump on me.  “Bring it on” I say.  I’ll take it and I’ll rise above it.

And – I’ll be happy doing it.  Which he will never be.  You simply can not lie and cheat your way through life and be happy at the same time.