Damn!

I just read what I wrote the other day about the counter-offer my covert narc spouse made me.  When I wrote that post I was clear that this offer was a manipulation and game playing on his part.  But somewhere during the past day or two, I’ve become distracted.

Perhaps it was my lawyer asking what the proceeds might be from our house, wondering if that might be more than my share of our business.  Maybe it was the idea that I could end all of this.  It might have been the townhouses I saw on Zillow, calling my name.  Whatever it was, I was distracted, and all of the triggers he has planted in my brain started to ping.

I actually entertained the idea that I would relinquish my share of the business for sole ownership of the house, assuming he paid off the line of credit.  And, I agreed to accept zero from the sale of our rental properties in exchange for my ownership of our children’s college fund.  I looked at his proposal carefully, I drafted a letter to my attorney covering my bases (so I thought) and I actually believed that this might be it – I might finally get divorced.

A few hours ago my father and brother called me.  They have been my voice of reason throughout this and they said, in no uncertain terms, NO.  Do not give away stake in your business for what may or may not be a potential profit on your house.  Do not accept that he can keep the $15K cash he got from rental properties and you, in exchange, get a $6K college fund for your children.  This is bullshit, he is screwing with you, and you need to hold your ground.

Here is the honest to God truth:  I went along with what my dad and brother were saying but, as I was emailing my attorney saying no, it was as if a pinball was running rampant in my brain, pinging & lighting up all of the messages I’ve learned over the past 25 years.

• you are a demanding bitch
• you always want more than you deserve
• I bring much more to this relationship than you ever will
• you are inferior, you aren’t thinking clearly, you are misinterpreting
• you can never just accept what I’m saying; always have to question
• what is wrong with you????

As I was writing my attorney saying no go, I was thinking all of those thoughts.  And, I was doubting the wisdom of my dad and brother.  I was thinking that perhaps they just don’t understand the big picture, maybe they are reacting to their feelings of disgust towards him.  It took about an hour for the ball to stop pinging the tapes he’s implanted, and to remember how this started.

This entire exchange started because I decided to take what little the Master was suggesting I accept.  I wrote to my attorney and said I’ll do what the Master suggested, assuming the spouse will.   & trust me, it is a pittance and it is bullshit, but I agreed to it.

But that wasn’t enough for him.  The minute I said “I’ll go along with x” he needed  y & z!  And, because he’s implanted these time bombs in my brain (i.e. triggers) I started to buy it!  I started to think “hey, that’s a good deal because he says so“.  I became distracted, which is one of the covert narcissists many weapons.

I am feeling discouraged for 2 reasons:

1. this won’t be over any time soon
2. I’m still susceptible to his commands!

I have actually been brainwashed to the point that when he says “this is good for you” I, like a zombie repeat “this is good for me”.  Jesus.

When does it end?  When will I be capable of making the right decision, based on actual fact, not the triggers he has implanted in my head?  When will I grow up?

So once again, I am back to my favorite/least favorite word:   Arghhhhh.