I just read what I wrote the other day about the counter-offer my covert narc spouse made me. When I wrote that post I was clear that this offer was a manipulation and game playing on his part. But somewhere during the past day or two, I’ve become distracted.
Perhaps it was my lawyer asking what the proceeds might be from our house, wondering if that might be more than my share of our business. Maybe it was the idea that I could end all of this. It might have been the townhouses I saw on Zillow, calling my name. Whatever it was, I was distracted, and all of the triggers he has planted in my brain started to ping.
I actually entertained the idea that I would relinquish my share of the business for sole ownership of the house, assuming he paid off the line of credit. And, I agreed to accept zero from the sale of our rental properties in exchange for my ownership of our children’s college fund. I looked at his proposal carefully, I drafted a letter to my attorney covering my bases (so I thought) and I actually believed that this might be it – I might finally get divorced.
A few hours ago my father and brother called me. They have been my voice of reason throughout this and they said, in no uncertain terms, NO. Do not give away stake in your business for what may or may not be a potential profit on your house. Do not accept that he can keep the $15K cash he got from rental properties and you, in exchange, get a $6K college fund for your children. This is bullshit, he is screwing with you, and you need to hold your ground.
Here is the honest to God truth: I went along with what my dad and brother were saying but, as I was emailing my attorney saying no, it was as if a pinball was running rampant in my brain, pinging & lighting up all of the messages I’ve learned over the past 25 years.
- you are a demanding bitch
- you always want more than you deserve
- I bring much more to this relationship than you ever will
- you are inferior, you aren’t thinking clearly, you are misinterpreting
- you can never just accept what I’m saying; always have to question
- what is wrong with you????
As I was writing my attorney saying no go, I was thinking all of those thoughts. And, I was doubting the wisdom of my dad and brother. I was thinking that perhaps they just don’t understand the big picture, maybe they are reacting to their feelings of disgust towards him. It took about an hour for the ball to stop pinging the tapes he’s implanted, and to remember how this started.
This entire exchange started because I decided to take what little the Master was suggesting I accept. I wrote to my attorney and said I’ll do what the Master suggested, assuming the spouse will. & trust me, it is a pittance and it is bullshit, but I agreed to it.
But that wasn’t enough for him. The minute I said “I’ll go along with x” he needed y & z! And, because he’s implanted these time bombs in my brain (i.e. triggers) I started to buy it! I started to think “hey, that’s a good deal because he says so“. I became distracted, which is one of the covert narcissists many weapons.
I am feeling discouraged for 2 reasons:
- this won’t be over any time soon
- I’m still susceptible to his commands!
I have actually been brainwashed to the point that when he says “this is good for you” I, like a zombie repeat “this is good for me”. Jesus.
When does it end? When will I be capable of making the right decision, based on actual fact, not the triggers he has implanted in my head? When will I grow up?
So once again, I am back to my favorite/least favorite word: Arghhhhh.
6 thoughts on “Stockholm Syndrome: The Narc’s Legacy”
I was wounded, shot in the heart, NOT capable of acting in my best interest during my divorce. I remind me of you.
ADVICE from the TRENCHES: Get your lawyer to hire a forensic accountant, get that EXPERT to divide assets in accordance with your state’s laws. Leave emotion out of the math. Make sure all financial records have been legally subpoenaed to ALL possible account managers, firms, AND your spouse. This way if you find $ in 10 years, you can prove failure to comply, or fraudulently hiding assets.
As to college, even if your decree states college is to be paid… recent court decisions have removed that as a legitimate court compelled order. SO, instead create a trust with wording on GPA, attendance, type, and aspects of higher ed the trust can be used for; also add language for a child who chooses to be a homemaker so they can have an expectation of stability at some age should they find themselves not college material. The trust prevents access in case one or both of you die prematurely. Also there some tax benefits over gifting to kids.
Get a personal trainer who will help you by helping your physical and mental self. Get that anger out in the gym, let her listen to you and guide you positively. Yoga instructors are very positive people.
If you need me you know where I am
There are just no words…it’s like ground hog day where things happen over and over…stick to you guns and your gut. Your Dad and brother, although they hate him, have a different perspective and are looking out for you. Deep down, I think you are really on the same page as Dad/brother but as you said,you get distracted. Love you!
Thanks! Love you!
Trust your gut. That thing deep deep inside that tells you the right way. I know it’s difficult. I was exactly the same when I had to sign the agreement. Both my lawyer and my brother told me to get it over and done with and sign it instead of going to court which was what I really wanted. But I gave the Assole everything he asked for. There was too much at stake. In hindsight though, I think I did the right thing.
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Try not to be too hard on yourself. I understand the feeling – that having had EVERYTHING in your life being impossible to control whilst living with the Narc, a) you need it to end and b) he always wins so you just need to try to grasp onto whatever you can. When someone will cut the lifeboat out from under you, you will be grateful for a plank! Good advice from SpagettiSam! Where is your lawyer?!!
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Don’t settle! Pass every offer by your dad and brother if you have to and get their input. They are absolutely correct and why your lawyer isn’t picking up on this is beyond me.
I don’t know how accurate this information is but when I talked to some ladies at the Chump Lady book signing one of them told me to never settle with the cheater. Let them think you’re willing to go to court and let a judge decide. That is really taking the control away from them and they end up signing. Again, that may not work in every situation but if you think you’d do better in front of a judge then by all means let it go that far!
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