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Yes, this is what happened at my ex’s wedding last night.  According to my son.   My son left as soon as the “wedding” was over, because he felt ridiculous watching all these people cry.  I haven’t got the courage to ask him who was crying, because so many of my ex family in law was there and lord knows, they didn’t cry at my wedding to him.  Hmmm.

Rather than cry for no tangible reason I am now watching Love Actually.  This way I have a legitimate reason to cry.

I know none of this is true, but if my brain were a ticker tape, this is what you’d be seeing:

You are a bitch  He’s finally found his true love  Everyone knows what a loser you are You will never love anyone, you don’t deserve it  You were wrong, wrong wrong, all the time  Stupid, selfish, crazy bitch.

Other than that, all happy thoughts running through my head!

So my first Christmas in my new place, the Christmas I thought would be really, really happy, is marred by my ex-narc, and the complex feelings I just haven’t quite mastered.  I can’t believe that almost 4 years later I’m still susceptible to such deep pain.

Is there a formula?  Like 1 year of pain for each 3 years of marital hell?  If so, I hope I’m on the better side of recovery.