I’ve had a really hard day/week, so forgive me if this is scattered.
- You are drowning. It is obvious you are drowning. Everyone knows this.
- Someone offers to throw you a buoy. You accept.
- You say “go ahead – throw me the red buoy”
- They say “wait – what size buoy? why the red buoy? why exactly do you need it? who can substantiate that you need it? How do you plan to use it? The more I think about this, the more sure I am that I’ll have to talk to some others to verify you need that particular buoy. Let me think about this”
- You say “I told you – I need a red buoy NOW. I will catch it and use it to save my life”
- They respond “Now I’m in an awkward position. Are you going to climb into the buoy, or are you going to hang on the side? That makes a difference. And again, who can verify that you need a buoy, and that you need the red one? Because I heard that you might be having second thoughts about the buoy, so how do I know you really need it, and are going to use it appropriately? Maybe I should talk to someone else first. Why don’t you give me the number of a certified life guard so I can be sure.”
- By now you can barely breath. You keep slipping under the water and, as you lose oxygen, your ability to reason is diminished. You start to question yourself. Do I really need the red buoy? Maybe not. Maybe I need to blue one. And how am I going to use? Will I hang on one side or put it around my waist? Now I’m filled with doubt. Maybe I do need someone else to choose the proper buoy. Maybe I don’t really deserve a buoy, I should quietly skip under the surface and get it over with.
This is my current situation. Metaphorically, of course.
As I write this I’m watching Survivor. On this particular episode there is one woman trying to cross a balance beam in the water, and she just can’t do it. The challenge is over, the winning team is ready to accept their reward, and there she stands – left behind on the platform everyone else has long abandoned. She’s a loser. Alone. Lost. A failure.
Normally, the winners would go on to their reward and this 1 survivor would be left behind to get back to the beach alone. Tonight, several of her fellow competitors joined her. They decided it was important for her to finish this challenge. She needed to know that she could do it. She needed to save herself, and all she needed was a little help. So they gave it to her. They actually swam back to her and waited while she crossed the balance beam.
What’s interesting to me about this is that they didn’t have to do that. She wasn’t drowning. She didn’t ask them to help. She was overweight and the case could be made that she deserved what she got; it wasn’t their responsibility to “compensate” for her weaknesses.
Instead, they looked at her and understood how important it was for her to complete this task, and they took it upon themselves to help her. They didn’t question her. Their assistance was offered from their heart, and lo and behold, she crossed the balance beam.
When it was over, everyone felt good. Everyone WON. She won by finishing, they WON by helping her, and everyone was proud of the role they played.
Isn’t this how life is supposed to be? Especially when it comes to family.
When they are watching you drown …… why can’t they just throw a damned buoy?
Is this one more example of projection?
Let’s suppose that the “savior”, deep in their soul, feels undeserving of their position. Perhaps, in their heart of hearts, they know they would not have the plethora of buoys they have, had they been on their own. They understand, on some level, that they are not the masters of the universe they claim to be; they were given advantages others weren’t.
This is the only plausible explanation I can find for their behavior.
Why? Because if someone is drowning in front of me, I am going to do everything I can to save them. I’m not going to question them.
The only reason I can find for the difference in thinking is that there is something wrong with the one questioning the drowning person.
Could you watch a person drown and hesitate? Could you watch your child drowning and request they submit a request for assistance, in triplicate, with corroborating signatures?
Of course there is always the possibility that I am undeserving. If my own family won’t throw me a buoy without someone else’s recommendation, well…..what does that say about me? I’m stupid. I’m a poser – I pretend I need a buoy when I don’t. I over-react: I’m not actually going under right this minute, the buoy can wait.
I feel so lost. And alone. And betrayed. And scared.
11 thoughts on “Will You Help Me?”
I often wonder the same of my family – I know of friends and family and they are constantly getting bailed out and assisted and that’s just fine but my own family would never – it’s sink or swim for me and my three kids. Somehow I always manage to keep us afloat but it’s a constant struggle that my family could help me with no problem but choose not to – so me and my kids live on the edge of disaster most of the time – I am supposed to start getting social security death benefits from where there father passed away soon and that extra 700 will help tremendously AND my car loan will be paid off soon and add that to the 700 things will be ALOT better thank god.
Very few people understand that they are one illness/bad decision/necessary expense away from financial ruin. Those with excess money seem to believe they are worthy of it in a way we are not. Hang in!
I didn’t want to “like” this but I hit it anyway. This post is so sadly metaphoric. Like the other commenters, I’d throw you a buoy…color, your choice. 🙂
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I’ll throw you whatever the hell buoy color you want and I don’t care why you want that one. I’m here – I hope you’ve always known that…
I know. If only…..
It is very sad; in therapy I learned that being treated like this as a child set me up for the crazy-making of the narcissist later. Regretfully, these people won’t really help you. If they do, the price will be too high to pay back later. The is the Karpman Drama Triangle, and real security lies in stepping out of this triangle. You are strong- you have shown this. Take a deep breath and look elsewhere for support. My thoughts are with you.
I never heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle. Just finished reading about it and feel so less crazy!! Thank you!
Oh good, I found it life- changing but not always easy to get off the Triangle. Thinking of you x
Does it help that I am here?
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Knowing you are there means everything. It’s why I write!!