, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

If you read my blog you know that my bosses son died 2 weeks ago.  It was a tragic loss, yet my boss and her family handled it beautifully.  She and her husband gave their son’s Eulogy, and it was touching, poignant, funny and inspiring.

And it triggered the shit out of me.

(does this make me a narcissist?)

The two stood on the altar of the church singing each others praises and kissing.  I tried really hard to focus on their message, their words.  In the end though, all I could imagine was what would happen if one of my children died.  How would that work?  My ex and I wouldn’t be standing together, singing each other’s praises.  He’d be standing with his GF, singing her praises, and I’d be standing alone.

And I am really, really sad.

Does this make me a bad person?  Part of my sadness is for my bosses loss, but I can’t help feeling sad for my loss too.  I lost my family.  I lost what I thought was a solid marriage, a spouse I thought would stand by me.  I also lost 2 of my 4 sons to him.  And – & yes, this will sound really, really shitty – I don’t get to bury any of them and put it behind me.  In fact, I have to face my spouse and his GF at events like this, the death of my bosses son!  I had to watch them standing in the receiving line. The next day I had to listen to all of my co-workers talk about how they’d met the 2 of them at the wake at a local bar.

I’m sad, and I’m pissed.  I’m especially pissed because here I sit in my new home that I love and should make me happy, and instead all I can do is cry.  And sleep.  And feel like a terrible human being because I’m making my bosses tragedy all about me.  And wonder if I made the wrong decision staying in this area; maybe I should have moved far, far away.

In the deep recesses of my brain, all I can think is “stop being a drama queen”, as I was told so often throughout my life.  And I wonder – am I being a drama queen, or am I being a feeling human being?  Is it odd that I am thinking about my own fears and sadness?  Am I the only one that imagines how I would handle a situation someone else is currently in?

I don’t think I’m alone in this (but correct me if I’m wrong).  I do think that when I lived with narcissists, this part of me, this part that wants to examine my feelings, my fears, my distress, this part of me was unacceptable to the narcissist.  It was simply not okay that I might have needs that might be as important, or maybe more important, than their own.  I was supposed to be propping them up, not detracting from them.

None of which makes me feel any better.  I still just want to sleep and cry.  And I feel like a terrible human being.