Feelings – Go Away Please!

If you read my blog you know that my bosses son died 2 weeks ago.  It was a tragic loss, yet my boss and her family handled it beautifully.  She and her husband gave their son’s Eulogy, and it was touching, poignant, funny and inspiring.

And it triggered the shit out of me.

(does this make me a narcissist?)

The two stood on the altar of the church singing each others praises and kissing.  I tried really hard to focus on their message, their words.  In the end though, all I could imagine was what would happen if one of my children died.  How would that work?  My ex and I wouldn’t be standing together, singing each other’s praises.  He’d be standing with his GF, singing her praises, and I’d be standing alone.

And I am really, really sad.

Does this make me a bad person?  Part of my sadness is for my bosses loss, but I can’t help feeling sad for my loss too.  I lost my family.  I lost what I thought was a solid marriage, a spouse I thought would stand by me.  I also lost 2 of my 4 sons to him.  And – & yes, this will sound really, really shitty – I don’t get to bury any of them and put it behind me.  In fact, I have to face my spouse and his GF at events like this, the death of my bosses son!  I had to watch them standing in the receiving line. The next day I had to listen to all of my co-workers talk about how they’d met the 2 of them at the wake at a local bar.

I’m sad, and I’m pissed.  I’m especially pissed because here I sit in my new home that I love and should make me happy, and instead all I can do is cry.  And sleep.  And feel like a terrible human being because I’m making my bosses tragedy all about me.  And wonder if I made the wrong decision staying in this area; maybe I should have moved far, far away.

In the deep recesses of my brain, all I can think is “stop being a drama queen”, as I was told so often throughout my life.  And I wonder – am I being a drama queen, or am I being a feeling human being?  Is it odd that I am thinking about my own fears and sadness?  Am I the only one that imagines how I would handle a situation someone else is currently in?

I don’t think I’m alone in this (but correct me if I’m wrong).  I do think that when I lived with narcissists, this part of me, this part that wants to examine my feelings, my fears, my distress, this part of me was unacceptable to the narcissist.  It was simply not okay that I might have needs that might be as important, or maybe more important, than their own.  I was supposed to be propping them up, not detracting from them.

None of which makes me feel any better.  I still just want to sleep and cry.  And I feel like a terrible human being.

Ugh.

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8 thoughts on “Feelings – Go Away Please!

  1. This wasn’t a happy family occasion but it sounds like you watched a close, loving family cope with a horrible situation and it highlighted (triggered) you as you observed that you are lacking that support. It makes perfect sense to me! I get it too when I see loving fathers in real life or on TV- I didn’t have that myself and neither did my daughters. So sad.

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  2. Hey – you are human. All sorts of things in life trigger things in our brains and our hearts….funerals, weddings, someones’ special meatloaf, anything walking down the grocery aisle, a picture in the news etc. We react with emotion. It’s a good thing. It makes us think and feel and aren’t we lucky we can do that? You bet. Wouldn’t want to be one of those people where it’s all about them – oh wait, that’s your ex. Wouldn’t want to be him. EVER. So you are allowed to feel how you feel but tamper that with a little bit of ‘boy am I lucky’ – for so many things. (Not being married to him anymore, your children are healthy, situation with your son won’t last forever, you fab new house that is yours, yours, yours and all the people who love you for you.) Again, you are human…

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  3. Murphy…in my experience, triggers are everywhere, even in unexpected places, in the beginning and for a long time when one has been narcissistically abused. Spine snapping trigger response that throws us right back into that black hell hole. Happy couples were a major trigger for me for a long time. …as was…just about everything…for a long time…

    I wish your coworkers could have shown some emotional intelligence and kept their comments and observations regarding your x to themselves. You deserve their support. …sadly, most people are oblivious to the devastation of this type of abuse…unless and until it happens to them…they just really don’t get it…

    You are a good person with a loving, caring heart. You have been through so much. 😦 I think you need to give yourself a pass on this one. I don’t think it has anything to do with not caring about your boss and her family…I think it has everything to do with you being retriggered by the heavy emotions (death of their son) and having to share space with your abuser and his accomplice.

    Strength and peace to you Murphy.

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