The Covert Narcissist & Lies

Wow.   Just……wow.

10 days ago my narc was caught lying.  He lied about his income and his affairs.  He stormed out of a deposition because he was confronted with evidence about his affairs.  He admitted to hiding income, lying about selling our business, and withholding pertinent information.  Lies on top of lies.

Since he has stopped paying the mortgage I am dealing with our lender regarding foreclosure.  In my state we have act 191, which reviews all of our circumstances and financial documents.  The best case outcome is that I will get aid to pay the mortgage.  The worse case scenario is that the foreclosure process will be stalled for 4 months. To take advantage of this act though I need his financials.

On the 13th I sent him an email with the list of documents I need to present to move forward with act 191.

On the 15th he filed an emergency motion forcing me to sell the house or pay the mortgage, both of which I can’t do.

My 1st reading of the petition had me frantic.  His intent.

My reading a few days later left me feeling incredulous.  In this petition he lied about:

  • his income
  • his awareness of the act available to us
  • his ability to pay the mortgage
  • my ability to pay the mortgage
  • me being the one who is lying and being stubborn, and should therefore pay his legal fees!!

He flat out lied.  6 days after lying under oath,  during his deposition, he again lied in this petition, signing and attesting that all the facts laid out were true.

Who does that????  The covert narc does this!

I have 3 reactions to this.

  • No wonder I was so crazy during our marriage!
  • How can this douchebag drag me through this?
  • What does he think “under oath” means?

What a lovely way to go through life.  How nice it must be to lie and fear no repercussion.  How nice it must be to lie and feel justified in doing so!

I have so many questions about this.   Like:

  • where is his attorney?  He sat through the deposition and knows the narc lied.  Why isn’t he putting a stop to this?
  • where are the courts in all of this?  At what point do they step in and say “enough”.
  • where is my attorney?  Why isn’t he going nuts on the narcs attorney?
  • what, if anything, happens to the narc when he is found guilty of perjury?

I had been working with my attorney to draft a new settlement agreement, recognizing the reality of our financial situation.  Today I got my attorney’s draft, which is spot on.  I got it from his assistant, because my attorney is in court.  She asked if she should sent it to my spouse’s attorney and I have no idea.

I know that every time you try to “negotiate” with a covert narc you are losing ground.  In their mind you are weak, you are desperate and you are open to manipulation.

In my mind I want to get this done.  I want to negotiate honestly and get divorced.  I want the courts & the attorney’s to understand that I am open and willing to engage in negotiations, and that all I want is to finalize this.

The question is this – which is more important?

  • the court system seeing that i am negotiating in good faith or
  • my narc knowing I’ve dug in my heals and will send him to jail is he doesn’t stop lying.

Yet even as I write this I know that these are not the ultimate questions.  The ultimate question is this:  how do I get out of this situation?  Really, that is all that matters.  He is a covert narc and a liar.  That will never change.   His life is like a lie sundae.  The ice cream is his first layer of lies.  Then he puts a lie sauce on top of that.  He smothers those lies with a healthy layer of lie whipped cream.  Then, when the sundae starts to melt, he tops it off with a lie cherry.

I honestly don’t know the right thing to do.  My family insists that I continue to fight him.  I understand their thought process.  They think he took advantage of me and he owes me.  They also think the truth will prevail.

I though, having spent 25 years with him, understand, as few can, that the covert narc always wins.  I can’t tell you how or why, but I know that he wins, and I lose.  And while I agree that it shouldn’t be that way, that he should be busted for his lies and held accountable, I’m not sure that will happen.  It didn’t happen for the past 25 years, so why would it happen now?

So, after the high of the deposition, in which he was  nicknamed Sweaty McSweaterson, I am again on the defensive.  Once again I find myself questioning my every thought, my every statement, my every motive.

While he takes his GF and others out to dinner.

Where is the end?



3 thoughts on “The Covert Narcissist & Lies

  1. Being the CN that he is, I’m sure he doesn’t see any of these as lies – just adjusting the truth to screw you some more. All of it is such crap and begs the question WTF?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love your ‘Lie Sundae’! That means a lot to me. Somehow, the truth seemed so ridiculous compared to the level of his lying that I tended to believe his lies. Of course he hadn’t left our five and three-year-olds alone in the house whilst he tinkered in the garage whilst I was at work! He’d just popped out there the moment I got home….? I wish I had the answer to your dilemma. I can only say that my ex died last Christmas alone in his bed. Perhaps that is Karma but my daughters look bad in others’ eyes for not visiting him! Take what you can and run!


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