a bye, angry child, authenticity, baseball, brain, coping mechanisms, designated runner, dissasociation, drama queen, emdr, gratitude, Harry Potter, inner child, judgement, multiple personalities, party girl, patronus, perfectionist, power, recovery, Wake Up Gurl!
I admit it: I’m a Drama Queen (DQ from here on out because I’m tired. Actually, I’m……exhausted /dramatic).
Part of me is a DQ.
One of the stories my mother often tells about me is how dramatic I was when physically hurt. Apparently, I would scream and howl the entire way to the ER. As soon as I was addressed by a medical professional though, I’d stop crying, I’d calm down, and I’d be sweet as can be. I used to be embarrassed by this story, but today I understand it. Today I am proud of my inner DQ.
Here’s why: every one of those trips to the ER ended in me receiving medical attention. Every time I “carried on”, I actually needed medical assistance. I “carried on”, or as I’ve now to come to understand, unleashed my inner DQ, because I had to. I knew that the only way I was going to get to the ER was by calling into play my DQ. God bless her, because she took a boat load of shit afterwards, but she always protected me. She always got me the attention I needed that, had she not been part of me, would have gone unnoticed.
She has also taken over in some situations in which she might not have been needed. I write this tentatively, because I think that during my adult years (i.e. marriage), when my DQ was released, when I “over-reacted”, there was much more at play than the situation at hand. I think that when she came out it was because I was in a dangerous situation, and she was trying to protect me. She’s actually incredibly smart and intuitive, and I wonder how my life might be different had I listened to her, rather than judge her, criticize her.
All of my life I’ve hated this part of me, this over-reactive, out of control, attention seeking DQ. What I never realized is that she really had my back. She was the one who stood up for me when I couldn’t. All those “little issues” that she carried on about were symptoms of a damaging lifestyle, a terrible marriage. Every time she “over reacted” she was shouting to me, and to the world, “Something is Wrong Here!”.
The last time I was called a DQ, was during a time in which I was extremely sick and no one was taking care of me. I was accused of being a DQ by someone I was very close to and relied on. I had just been told by my doctor that if I didn’t get to the hospital immediately, it was highly possible that I would not last the weekend. The person I relied on called me and complained because I hadn’t been calling her. When I told her how sick I was, she accused me of being a DQ. MY DQ took over and shouted into the phone “don’t ever fucking call me again” and hung up. Trust me when I say – I would never have done this on my own, but it needed to be done.
I’m slowly starting to understand the power and creativity of disassociation. My inner DQ is a protector. When I needed immediate help, she came out and helped me. In situations that I couldn’t handle, times in which I couldn’t stand up for myself, she took over and got me what I needed.
I speak about my DQ as if she’s a distinct person, but she really is not. She is one part of me, a part that, when necessary, takes charge and protects me. And, she’s not the only one. I have many personalities, coping mechanisms, that have done wonders to take care of me through the years. I have my perfectionist, my party girl, my angry child, and, as I do more EMDR work, I believe I’ll find many more.
And before you judge me: I am Not Crazy!
We all have these parts of us that step in when our authentic self, our inner child, can’t. They are the designated runners of our lives (baseball reference, see below) We’d all be lost without them.
The task is this: Learn who they are, thank them for all they do for you, recognize when they take over, and give them a bye (another sports reference) if you don’t need them.
I am just beginning this process, and I hope to document it as I go. I am so fascinated and enthralled with my brain right now, I feel compelled to honor it, to create a permanent record of it’s power.
I am both grateful and in awe of my inner DQ. She stood up for me when I couldn’t. She’s the one who didn’t care what others thought, she wasn’t afraid to express herself; she was my protector. She was my Patronus (Harry Potter reference; sorry it you aren’t a fan).
From now on I vow to love, cherish, and honor, till death do us part, my inner Drama Queen. She saved my life.
Designated Runner: If there is a good batter who is a slow runner, but makes it to 1st base, the coach can take that batter out and replace them with a designated runner, who has a better chance of making it home. Don’t ask me why; that part I’ve never understood.
Bye: This is when a team gets a game off during play-offs (finals). It is a positive, because they don’t have to play, they can practice and recuperate, and they are better prepared for their next game.
PS: If I’ve misrepresented any baseball references well……..my DQ will chat with you! I’ve been sitting at these games, 2 -4 a week, for 20 years and, while I still don’t understand why people like the game, I understand the rules.