Is there a hashtag for this? Personally, I don’t understand instagram so I don’t know. I just know that if I did understand instagram, I’d be creating this hashtag today.
Today my boss lovingly informed me that my ex and his new girl are getting married December 23. She told me because she and her spouse had been invited to the “Open House” my ex is hosting to celebrate the event. She also knew that my ex would not inform me, and I would be publicly blind-sided if I didn’t know. She did not want that to happen.
It was interesting timing because a few days ago, driving home from my cousin’s Christmas party, my eldest son said “we are going to dad’s parents on the 23rd to do Christmas”. This did not seem out of the ordinary; it had happened in the past when we couldn’t all be together on the actual day, albeit usually after Christmas.
It felt clear to me, in the moment my boss told me what was really happening on the 23rd, that he had lied to me. He had gotten in trouble for giving me a heads up about the very public engagement, in our shared community, a few weeks ago. His dad was furious that he had given me a heads-up, and angrily told him so.
( Before I go on – yes, I am an ass for assuming this. I wish I could get a handle on my tendency to assume.)
My boss said it was fine for me to tell my son she had told me. It was a public invitation to people in our joint community, so it made sense I would find out. (Can I stress enough – JOINT COMMUNITY? I see, almost every day, the people he invites to these soiree’s he hosts with his new GF, hence the word JOINT) My boss, as part of this group, struggles with my ex’s lack of integrity when it comes to how he handles me, and she has no qualms putting that out there.
When I got home, I texted my son. I admit, it was not the perfect text. I said “My boss just told me [your dad and his gf] (I used names) are getting married on the 23rd. I’m sorry if you had to lie to me. You shouldn’t ever be in that position.”
Would I send that again, knowing the outcome? No. Can I defend and honor what I wrote? YES. Our last controversy surrounded the fact that he had forewarned me of his dad’s engagement, then gotten in trouble when his dad found out he had done so. I think it was logical of me to assume that he had been trying to prevent that from happening again.
(Again – that assumption thing. I think I’ve read some books about not doing that. Sink In – “No Assumptions” message! Damnit!!)
He wrote back that he did not lie and his dad is not making him do anything. In 2 separate texts, in what felt like a defensive, perhaps even attacking way.
I was rattled. Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t? Or are my emotions too raw to see these words clearly?
I wrote back “fine, feels like I can’t approach any of this correctly, all I wanted you to know was that I was fine with it, I’m happy for them, but I’ll always feel hurt that your dad doesn’t communicate such things to me”.
Before I write his response let me say a few things.
- My son is 25, which is on the young side.
- My son was raised in a toxic environment, and doesn’t always understand right from wrong.
- My son struggles integrating feelings with day to day life. We all do, but he especially, because he has no role model, but is a very sensitive person.
- My son loves his father, as he should.
That said, here was his response:
I’ll try to phrase this in as nice a way as possible because I don’t want you to keep having your feelings hurt, but at this point, whenever they do something the first thing they’re going to do is not say oh let’s run this by M. The less narcissistic you can approach the situation the better for you I feel
Ouch. Wow. Hmmmm……
Is it really that cut and dried? Is it as simple as me not expecting my ex to think of me, because it feels a lot more complicated than that to me. But perhaps I’m being narcissistic?
In his defense I’m not sure how a 25 year can process the impact of a 25 year romantic relationship. After all, the only long term relationships he’s had have been with me, his dad and his brothers. Maybe it is just that simple, that he can’t begin to understand how hurtful it is to be left after 25 years, let alone being done so in such a public manner. Hopefully he will never be in a position to experience this first hand, because it’s really freaking painful. And, it is entirely possible that I should not be putting this out in the world right now, because I am feeling so raw, and betrayed, and dissed and just hurt.
But Damn, son!
I guess I’m writing this now to all of you so I don’t write to him “F-you. Stay home on Christmas. Or hang out with your new mom”, which is what I’m feeling, but I don’t think would help the situation.
I feel so very, very tired processing all of this. Each step of the way, for the past 3.75 years, I’ve had to tolerate the accusations that I am somehow wrong, then just wait for some semblance of sanity. It is exhausting and demoralizing, and this is on top of having been publically left for another woman, in a community we used to share. It feels like hurt on top of hurt on top of more hurt.
A pain sundae with an infected, swollen, puss filled cherry on top.
Fortunately, I have recently come to fully feel like I am a pretty awesome person. In the end, it is his loss, not mine, of that I am 100% certain. If not for this, I’m not sure how I’d be able to stand this.
So, I plan to go to bed early, if for no other reason than to stop myself from further escalating the conversation. Tomorrow I plan to go to yoga and breath.
I call this “Pulling a Scarlett“. If you’ve read Gone With the Wind you know that Scarlett was notorious for saying “I’ll think about it tomorrow”, then whisking herself off on some frivolous activity. As her house burned to the ground she said “I’ll think about it tomorrow”. The ultimate coping mechanism.
In yoga they call it breathing,
Whether I’m Pulling a Scarlet or breathing, I plan to do so. Tomorrow. After way too many hours of sleep.
2 thoughts on “#MyKidIsAnA-Hole”
ugh…and after the fun of the cousin’s christmas party. He’s such a shit – your son doesn’t really know which way to turn and I’m sure he thinks he’s being all adult about. There is a book I bought once (okay – for the title) but it has rung so true in the business world ‘The No Asshole Rule’. When I think about it – it holds true for anything. NO ASSHOLES
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Murphy, Bless you girl.
…this pretty much happened to me too…and my kids are older too, older than your son. And they have, unfortunately, experienced exactly the same betrayal in their intimate relationships…the youngest was married 14 years…so, how could they not know what I was going through? How I felt. They knew exactly all of these things…yet, they did the same thing.
It took awhile for me to understand that satan didn’t just leave ME, he left THEM too. Sure they can go see him and be with him…but he is not HIM anymore…he’s this guy they have never met before. his betrayal happened to ALL OF US. They were as emotionally jacked up as I was. Their emotions were all over the place too. Plus, their mom was a basket case on top of it…hard to handle. All of it. For all of us left behind like worn out socks or something. These disordered assholes take so much from us, from all of us.
Your son got the added bonus of being disciplined for ‘telling’ a publicly known fact…I mean…what the hell? Poor guy. He probably sits in a corner drooling tryin to find a way to defend himself from his ‘parent’…what the hell…he can’t win so he wants out…I don’t blame him. I’m sure you don’t either, that’s a hell of a place to be. You were correct, he should not be put in that position.
It takes some time for the whole family to get to ‘new normal’…your son will come around.
And you have no reason to be ashamed. Your x gets all the shame. This is all his doing. You did nothing but love that piece of crap.
Hold your head up and smile…make em wonder what the hell you are up to. Fuck your x and his ho.
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