My youngest graduated 8th grade today. I had the perfect seat in the packed auditorium. It gave me ample opportunity to watch him and get great pics as he received his diploma. Until…….1/2 way through, they switched the direction the kids were walking. I got an awesome pic of his back. I came home to the FB posts of the perfect pics the “charmed” parents got of their kids; the parents who were on the right side of the auditorium, in the right lighting, at the right time, with no tall person in front of them. Later, I took my son out for dinner at this favorite place, and he got sick.
I have what I call “white person problems” (hopefully not overly offensive). I’m not starving, I have a roof over my head, I have a car and money for groceries, I have health insurance to pay for my health care needs and I have friends and family around me. But sometimes, my white person problems feel so unfair.
- Why do I have cancer and still have to worry about it, after finishing the most difficult treatment available?
- Why did I marry a cheating louse?
- Why am I struggling getting my kids to do homework, when other parents never even have to check on their kids?
- Why do I not have the money to fix the leak in my kitchen when my neighbors are putting in a new pool?
- Why do I never have the right outfit to wear? Or, if I do have the right outfit, why don’t I wear it?
- Why have I lost 2 sons when other people have wonderfully intact families?
- Why did my ex cheat on me, when other women, not as nice, never get cheated on?
- Why do I go back to selling on ebay, only to get screwed?
- Why did so many other people get great graduation pics but not me?
- And, before you tell me I’m being petty and selfish – Trust Me – I Know!
I work with a lovely young lady who is 27, lives alone, has health issues, and has 17 years of student loans costing $1,000 each month. The other night she said “do you ever feel like it would be easier to just run away”, and I could actually answer this. I ran away as a teen. Repeatedly. I spent 4 months living in Florida pumping gas, with just enough money to pay for my rent and groceries. The only question every week was whether to buy a book or new underwear, because that was all I could afford. It was such an easy life. I worked hard and had nothing to show for it, but I also had no choices. I never had to second guess myself. Running away has it’s advantages!
Choice makes life hard, and I seem to be the Queen of the Wrong Choice.
- I chose the wrong treatment, and I’m paying for it now in chronic pain, and the knowledge that I might have increased my chance at remission because of the choice I made. In my haste I made the wrong choice.
- Why did I marry a cheating louse and not someone else? I chose him. I had other choices.
- Why am I struggling getting my kids to do homework, when other parents never even have to check on their kids? What choice do I make here? Do I push my kids; which incidentally, has not been successful. Or, do I just let them be?
- Why do I not have the money to fix the leak in my kitchen when my neighbors are putting in a new pool? I won’t go into the issues around money, because they are enmeshed with my divorce and business issues; all of which are the result of choices!
- Why do I never have the right outfit to wear? Or, if I do have the right outfit, why didn’t I wear it? My last son’s graduation I wore a dress and everyone else wore pants. Today I wore pants and of course, everyone else wore dresses.
- Why have I lost 2 sons when other people have wonderfully intact families? I’ve watched really mean mothers keep their children at their side. Was my choice to be understanding wrong?
- Why did my ex cheat on me, when other women, not as nice, never get cheated on? Should I have berated him more? Why did I chose him in the 1st place, and, once I chose him, why did I chose the wrong way to behave in our marriage?
- Why do I go back to selling on ebay, forgetting that sellers have no protection and often get screwed? Why do I chose to use this selling platform, even though there are others that take longer but work; and don’t protect only the buyer?
- Why did so many other people get great graduation pics but not me. I made the wrong choice. I sat on the wrong side of the auditorium.
35 years ago, when I had no choices, I never questioned myself. I did what I had to do. I never had a reason to look back and say “hmm….I shouldn’t have done things that way”, because there was never a different way to have done things. Ultimately, my life would have been much worse had I stayed on that path. Having No choice is just as dangerous as having too many choices. When I had no choices, I also had no options. Had I gotten sick during that time I would have ended up homeless. One leak destroying what little I owned would have left me destitute. I understand that.
How can it be, though, that at every turn I make the wrong choice? I am at a point in which I feel confident that if I have made the choice, it is Wrong. The problem is that I don’t even realize I’m making a choice until it’s too late.
Again, these are really minor issues when compared to what some others are going through, and I get that.
But really??? I couldn’t at least have gotten a decent graduation picture? Damn.
PS: I know that I’ve probably made just as many good choices, I just don’t recognize them, because they don’t hurt. Yes, this is a self-serving rant. Sorry.
PPS: I also know that I shouldn’t put much stock in what is see on FB. FB is an illusion.