Yes, I’m laughing. Every once in a while I forget who I’m “parenting” with. In those moments, I waste my time sending him emails regarding the issues I’m dealing with. Most of the time I’m aware, as I’m writing, that he will not assist. Sometimes though, I slip and think maybe…..maybe this time he’ll help out. Hence the Hahahaha!
I arrived home from my trip to my son who was turning 16. I had agreed to take him for his permit, provided he printed out the physical form in time for me to get it to the pediatrician to complete. Hmmm……seems like all he has to do is print a piece of paper. I, on the other hand, have to take the form to his pediatrician, then go back to pick it up. Was I asking too much of him?? NO.
The day he turned 16 his older brother decided to help him find the form and print it. They couldn’t find it. Really? I showed it to them on my laptop; still they couldn’t find it. I am raising all boys and I am aware of the inability of the male species to find things. This mostly pertains to things like cleaning supplies, garbage bags, messes they need to clean up. Usually they manage to find things they really, really want. Ketchup, for instance. I can hide it anywhere in the fridge and they will find it. Same goes for cookies, cake, ice cream – you get the point, right? I thought that his desire to get his permit would assist him in “finding” the correct form. I was wrong. When he couldn’t “find it” he announced it didn’t matter, his dad would do it. The next day he told me his dad had scheduled a physical and was taking care of the whole thing.
I’m going to be really honest here – there is only 1 reason I reached out to his dad, and that reason was financial. I knew that his dad would take him to a pediatrician not covered on his insurance and, since I’m responsible for the first $150/year in medical care, I’d have to pay it.
I sent the narc an email. In it I explained that “our son” had known for 3 months that he needed to print out that form. I went on to say that I felt that if he’s old enough to get behind the wheel of a car he should be old enough to print a form. I also explained that he did not need a physical, he literally only needed to print the form.
I then decided to tell him my plan with my son’s grades. Currently he has 2 F’s, 2 D’s and a B (the b is in gym). I told my ex that beginning that week, any time my son’s grades slipped below a C he’d be home, no friends, no going out. (our school district uses PowerSchool, so every day I can see what he has/hasn’t done, what grades he’s gotten on quizzes, how his behavior has been and more. Good times). I went on to say it would be great if he did the same. Again, Hahahahaha.
Two days later I got a return email. I was shocked!! My ex said he would back off of the physical issue. He went on to say that he agreed with my approach to grades and that he would do the same……….if I sent him the log-on information to PowerSchool.
What does all this mean? I’ll break it down for you.
The Physical – He just caught a brake. He no longer has to take his son for a physical. He no longer has to be involved, at all, in the car driving experience. I’m taking care of all of it, including being back to ground zero getting him to print out the form. FYI, he finally did tonight, after excruciating drama.
Grades – What can I say about this? In this 1 seemingly insignificant sentence he spoke the truth – he has not looked at his son’s grades in over 3 years.
See what I mean? He’s like the anti-parent.
I wrote him back and thanked him for backing off of the physical issue (yes, I did throw up a bit writing that). Then I told him that he had to contact the school to get logged into PowerSchool.
One phone call. That is all the “Father of the Year” had to do to get access to his son’s grades. One Phone Call. That is all he had to do to support me in my efforts to get my son to take school seriously. One Phone Call.
My son got home around 6 on Sunday. I asked him what he done all weekend, eagerly waiting to hear that he had been grounded because of his grades. Just Kidding. I know what I’m dealing with. My son told me about the friends he had hung out with all weekend. He went on to say “I did see dad on Saturday night. We went to dinner at Chipotle”.
Here is the translation: I spent no time at my dad’s house. He picked me up on Friday, dropped me a friends house, took me to a quick dinner on Saturday, then brought me back home on Sunday.
Here is the message: if you have procreated with a narcissist, you are a single parent. There are no exceptions to this. You will have no assistance parenting your children. In fact, you will probably be doing damage control. You will be dealing with teenagers who are allowed to do whatever they want when with their narc parent. This is a tough spot to be in. It’s really hard to look your child in the eye, the child you love and adore, and tell him he will be grounded for the foreseeable future. knowing that the next weekend he’ll be running around with his friends while with his dad.
Fortunately for me (Hahahahaha) my ex narc is inherently antisocial. He puts on a hell of a show when he’s trying to win someone over, aka his new fiance, but now that he’s won her, he can sit back and be his true self. And his true self cares so little about anyone else, he can’t even carry on a conversation. He is sulky and unpleasant to be around, a trait my sons are suddenly taking note of. For my teenager, the thought of living with his dad full time is more repulsive than being grounded at my house. So I have that going for me – I’m less repulsive than dad.
The moral is this: You Can Not Parent With A Narcissist. Damage control only.