This will be short because  I am exhausted and not feeling well, but feeling compelled to write.

Yesterday was the funeral for my bosses son.  It was beautiful.  She and her spouse gave the Eulogy, and there are no words to describe it.  They were funny, poignant, joyous and sad.  They spoke primarily to their other children; in fact I feel certain they gave the Eulogy for their children, but Damn ….. how many could have done that?

The son they lost was severely handicapped, yet they loved him so much.  Not only did they love him, they celebrated what he brought to the world.  What he offered was magical – his smile and laugh were unlike any I’ve seen before.  And yes, I am tired and stressed and feeling sorry for myself but……all they have to say are fabulous things about him, even though he was a tremendous burden (& yuck, I know that sounds horrible).

If you were to see into the depths of my family dynamics, you’d learn that for my parents, the most significant things  I’ve bought them is burden, not joy or love.  Throughout all of this all I’ve heard from my parents is “who’s bike and bathing suit was left at our house & when will it be gone”.  And crap – I know – they are older, and in expecting them to be non judgemental, I myself am being judgemental.  How can I reconcile all of this?  How can I look at the love in this family under the worse stress possible and not compare it to my experience?  (That’s a real question – advice would be great).

My 15 year old was caught smoking pot last night.  It happened at 3AM while he was at a sleep over.  He left the friends house and walked home, totally freaking out the boys mother.  She drove to my house trying to make sure he was ok, and knocked frantically on the door.  And I slept through all of it.  What sort of mother am I?

Despite that, despite some of the crap and hardship I’ve been through with my children, I’m pretty sure my children know that the love I have for them will always transcend anything they might do.  I think, I hope, I have communicated to them that life is messy, I am messy, they are messy, and we’ll get through it together; none of us is a bad person, or damaged, because we are all messy.

My last complaint of the day – My 15 year old is supposed to go away with a friend this weekend.  This boy is the son of my ex’s party friends.  I am worried about my son, so I messaged the mom on FB.  Why, you ask?  Because I was a kid once.  I know how to imitate a mom’s voice on the phone.  I thought that by messaging her on FB to verify details, I would feel more confident that my son is not lying about where he is going and what he is doing.

Instead of just messaging me back she sent me a friend request.  Why?  In what world would I want to be friends with a woman who parties with my ex and brags about it?  Why on earth would I want to have an open, online communication with one of my ex’s GF’s best friends?  And, if you want to respond to me and say “grow  up, get over it, you’re being a child” DON’T.  I’ve grown up as much as I can in the past 3 years, and becoming friends with people I’ve never liked, have nothing in common with and who I believe are corrupting my son…well, it is not going to happen.  And I won’t be judged for it.

Last week I paid over $600 to have my air ducts & dryer vent cleaned.  When he was done the technician, who was charming and adorable, sat at my kitchen table to “complete his paperwork”.  Part of the paperwork was a “satisfaction survey” he asked me to complete.  A survey about his work and him as a person.  While he sat there…..with me; while he watched.  He gave me the survey 5 minutes after telling me he’d broken part of my new wood flooring putting my dryer back, and was not able to fix it.  No “I’ll figure it out”, no “we’ll pay for the repair” — nothing.  Just “I guess I broke the screws or something and it won’t go back into place”.  Word for word.  And then he asked me to complete his satisfaction survey.   It’s not his fault I’m too much of a wimp to write the truth, which was that he was very sweet but did a crappy job, but I couldn’t help wondering – had I grown up with unconditional love, or perhaps even a smidge of “hey, you’re okay, we adore you” would I have written the truth?   I did not write the truth, and am now back tracking, trying to get the company to do what I paid for, but I will probably get no where given what I wrote on that survey.

And, it is not lost on me that all of these are petty concerns when compared with the death of a 19 year old.  Leaving me with nothing more to say than ugh.

I’m so tired of apologizing for being me.  I’d love to just like being me, but it seems so unlikely.