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Today I was offered Shit on a Plate.

We got an offer on our house yesterday.  Another lowball offer.  My ex replied “only if it’s an As-Is sale” to which the realtor replied Yes, it is AS-IS.  Today, when I went to sign the papers, I noticed there were inspection contingencies – a lot of them.  I wrote my realtor, CCing the ex, asking WTF?  Thought this was an AS-IS sale.  He replied, and  this is a direct quote:

The AS-IS discussed is similar to the previous offer in that the buyer has option to perform inspections, but the seller is highly unlikely to discuss remediation efforts for anything discovered.

Stealing a play from Chump Lady I’d like to examine that sentence.  Here goes:

“The AS-IS discussed is similar to the previous offer”

Wait, do you mean the offer that fell apart after the inspections?  That previous AS-IS offer?  Call me crazy but it seems to me we wouldn’t be talking about all this, had the previous AS-IS offer gone through.  Just me??  And what about the word similar.  If it is just similar, why are all the inspection options checked off in the exact same they were with the 1st offer?  The actual definition of “similar” is resembling without being identical.  Maybe my realtor just needs a dictionary.

the buyer has the option to perform inspections   

The option?  The definition of option is:  a thing that is or may be chosen.   The word “option” is in no way related to, or close to AS-IS.  And so you don’t think I’m being overly picky, every single possible inspection box is checked off.  So, the buyer is opting to carry out every single inspection.  Hmmmm….. I hate to accuse anyone of lying but I’m wondering, Mr. Realtor – did the buyers agree to an AS-IS sale?  Because the offer sure doesn’t read like it.

the seller is highly unlikely to discuss remediation efforts for anything discovered.

I thought we were clearly saying to our realtor AS-IS, meaning we will NOT discuss anything further.  Not “we’re highly unlikely” to discuss remediations.

And, the offer has a settlement date of July 26.  So, I’ll be waiting for the inspections, the mortgage approval, the appraisal and the insurance before I even know for sure I need to move…..then I have how much time?  To pack up 15 years of a family of 5 and move to ….where???

So I asked “Hey – Mr. Realtor, working for me, getting paid an exorbitant amount of money for not very much work – If the buyers are serious about an AS-IS offer, why haven’t they started lining these things up?  Further, exactly how long will it take for all of these inspections, approvals & appraisals  to happen?  & what happens if I don’t sign this tonight?  Here’s what I got back:

If executed today, buyer inspection period would expire 7/4/17
Negotiation period would expire 7/9/17
Final negotiation period expires 7/11/17.
Sign tomorrow, add one day to all above. 
As for financing, buyer would have 7 days from execution to finalize application with preferred lender. The appraisal would probably be ordered almost immediately thereafter, but specific date won’t be provided until I receive the call for access. Appraisal probably won’t be available another 10-14 days, at the latest, after it’s completed and goes through quality control. 
Regardless, the process can’t begin without an executed contract. 
Three sentences jumped out at me.
Negotiation period would expire 7/9/17
Final negotiation period expires 7/11/17.
So there is an end to the negotiation period on July 9th.  No, wait, that’s not the final negotiation period.  That ends on 7/11.  I guess real estate sales are like milk?  The expiration date isn’t the real expiration date?
Sign tomorrow, add one day to all above.
and
Regardless, the process can’t begin without an executed contract.
I will admit – I am still really raw, and I take things very personally.  But it seems that no matter how I look at this, my realtor, the guy working for me, is saying:
Actually, you won’t really know until July 12th if this is going to really happen.   But hey – that gives you 2 weeks to get the hell out of there.  Oh and, in case it’s not clear, if you don’t sign today we’ll just add another days worth of shit onto your plate.  
It should come as not surprise to my regular readers that the ex, after carrying on yesterday about how this has to be an AS-IS offer, signed the papers this morning and has not been heard from since.  Funny how he does that.  He pretends he has a stake in this game but in the end – hell, his time’s way to valuable to quibble over tiny little details that don’t effect him, right?  After all,  he’s comfortably living rent free in his GF’s house, he’s sold our business and I’m sure been given his parents shares in addition to his own, and he doesn’t have to pay for anything involving the house anymore, so what difference does it make to him.
I’m at my parent’s shore house right now, and today I went surfing for the first time this season.  (this ties in – trust me)  The water temp is about 68, which is pretty cold.  The surf was crazy, coming in fast with big waves, probably because of a big storm yesterday.  And let’s face it – I’m 55, I have severe asthma and other health issues, and I can’t really surf.  Minor complications, eh?  I was out there twice today.  Both times I had to come in while suffering major asthma attacks.  The second time I almost signaled the guards to come get me, but I’m fairly certain I will never do that.
I was out there barely able to breath when a big wave took me under.  I’m used to it, being the terrible surfer I am, and I usually pop right out.  Today though, I did not.  It held me under for a good 30 seconds, which is not long if you are breathing well, but is pushing the limits when you are struggling to begin with.  While I was under I looked around – yes, I did! –  and the water seemed oddly clear, like I could see the sky through it.  As I was looking around, running out of air, and realizing I wasn’t coming out anytime soon I thought “Gurl, what the fuck are you doing?”.  I then choked on the water I swallowed, because I started to laugh.  Like – out loud laughing.  Well, it was a wheeze, gasp, laugh sort of thing to be precise.
So I’m wondering – do I like surfing or do I have a death wish?
I think the two are not mutually exclusive.  I think I do love to surf – or pretend to surf – and if I end up dying doing it, well there are worse ways to go.  This has been my thought process the previous 2 summers, but today felt reckless.  And I didn’t care.   I stayed out there way too long.  When I was coming in the second time, I could feel my lungs swell with every step.  They were almost completely shut down, the lifeguard stand was directly in front of me, but I had a ways to go to reach the beach.  And I just kept going, all the while thinking “signal the lifeguards dummy”, but never doing so.  When I got  to the beach I stood for about a few minutes waiting for my lungs to open a bit, then I wheezed & coughed my way back to my chair and again, I didn’t care.
A day later:
Last night I refused to settle on July 26th, and the settlement date has been pushed back till 8/7.  This morning I got notice of the radon inspection that will begin Tuesday – you know, for the AS-IS sale.  Who knows when the other inspections will be.  There is one thing I feel certain of:  this is not, nor has  it ever been, an AS-IS sale.  I believe that my realtor flat out lied, knowing his contract is almost up and knowing I have no intention of resigning with him.
The good news is that yesterday I finally nailed surfing!!  Admittedly, it was on waves most real surfers don’t bother to show up for (i.e. small) but I stood and I stayed standing!  After about 5 times I realized that I no longer need to wave my arms around shouting “Look – I’m doing it”.  I looked around at the other surfers and saw them keep their arms at their side, and that is what I started doing.
Death wish or just plain fun?  I don’t know, but I’m going to keep at it!!  And who knows, maybe I’ll sell my house and get to move too!
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