It seems unlikely that I’ll get divorced in 2017, so I’ve been thinking about things I want that I might actually get.  Here they are.

• a yoga top that holds me in without humiliating me while putting it on
• my own personal signal that beams from the roof of my car so I can find it in the parking lot (like the bat signal, only my own personal design)
• along with the “bat signal”, a message I can send to other drivers saying things like “opps…my bad” or “fuck you”
• a cell phone implanted in my brain that can’t be lost
• a home with heating zones so I’m not sweltering upstairs while freezing downstairs
• Christmas lights with the bulb built into the wiring – no more bulbs sticking out, catching on everything
• the return of the housedress.  Seriously.  I’d vote for anyone who runs on the platform that spanxs should be outlawed and replaced with old fashioned house dresses!
• heated boots, jacket and gloves for the winter dog walks.  Or, the ability to conjure a hot flash for those moments when it is 0 degrees and my dog has to smell every leaf in the neighborhood.
• a cordless vacuum that actually works.  How can they create a battery that keeps my mother’s pace maker ticking for 10 years, but not develop a decent vacuum battery?
• self clearing driveways & sidewalks
• a new grocery shopping experience.   No more finding the item, taking it off the shelf & putting it in the cart, taking it out of the cart and placing it on the check out belt, putting it back into the cart, loading it into the car, unloading it at home & putting it away.  Hmmmm……..maybe I need a Wife!

I think that solves all my problems:  a Wife!

Happy New Year.