I’ve been looking for a new therapist (insurance change) and I stumbled upon one who seemed ideal. She takes my insurance, she deals with relationships and divorce, etc. She also had a youtube video, which I decided to watch before I called her office.
The video is taken while she’s speaking to an auditorium of college students. She begins talking about the differences between how men & women think, how they communicate and how they interpret situations. Everything was going along swimmingly until she utter the following phrase:
Expressing suspicion that your partner is cheating
will most likely end in him/her cheating.
I don’t know how this came to be a belief in our world but let me assure you :
This Is Wrong.
Here is the truth:
If you suspect your partner is cheating and he/she does nothing to reassure you,
he/she is cheating. Get out.
How do I know? I lived this. Here’s how it went.
My spouse would stay late at work several nights in a row, and not let me know. I’d say “hey can you let me know when you’re staying late so I don’t worry, and I know how many to cook for?”. He’d murmur about what an imposition this was, then begrudgingly agree.
The next week he’d stay late at work without letting me know. Now I’m mad. I say “why can’t you just call or text me when you’re staying late at work”. He asks why I’m hassling him. He says “I have no way of knowing when I’ll have to stay late. What is wrong with you that you can’t just accept this”. I point out that I”m not asking him to notify me a day in advance, I’m asking him to let me know in the afternoon if he won’t be home for dinner and it seems unlikely he doesn’t know if he’ll be staying late by that time. I then reiterate my request that he notify me.
Two more weeks go by in which he stays late without notifying me. Now, I think he’s cheating. So I ask him. “Are you cheating on me, because I can’t think of any other reason you wouldn’t be able to send a simple fucking text saying you have to work late”. And here’s where it happens:
He says “You know, if you accuse me of cheating on you I’ll probably do it, because you’re being suspicious of me of it”.
If you are like me, and if you have bought into this idea floating around our world that claim this to be true, you will buy it and you will stop asking.
You have now given your partner an out. Anytime he is on the hot seat he says that 1 simple phrase: “you know if you accuse me blah, blah, blah.”
What if we apply this notion to some other aspects of daily living.
Suppose you go into a store and are rummaging around the jewelry counter for a long period of time. Eventually a security guard comes over and accuses you of stealing. Does this make you rush off and start stealing jewelry? Does this justify you rushing off and stealing jewelry?
How about this one: You get pulled over by the police who claim you ran a stop sign. You disagree. Do you now drive around running stop signs? Have you been given permission to run stop signs because you’ve been wrongfully accused? NO.
Here is the Truth:
They do it for one very simple reason:
They believe that their needs outweigh the needs of the relationship.
Period. They believe that they are more important than you.
Here’s what happens when non-cheaters have issues like this.
Person 1 says to person 2 “hey, I don’t like it when you come home late and don’t let me know. I get worried and I don’t know how many people to cook for”.
Person 2 says “I’m sorry. How about I send you a quick text or a quick call from now on”.
END OF STORY.
Normal, non-cheaters care when their partner is concerned, or worried, or suspects them of wrongdoing. Normal partners make damn sure that you have no reason to be suspicious. They call you during the day. They leave their cell phone, unlocked, on the kitchen counter where you can see it. They get a text while they are driving and they say “hey, can you read that to me”. That is what normal, non-cheaters do.
In case there is still some confusion about this, let me give you a list of the many things Cheaters do.
- They password protect their phone and computer, and make up some ridiculous reason for it.
- If you insist on having their password they give it to you, then change it the next week.
- After having to changed it several times, they get a burner phone which you won’t know about until your divorce. (if you want to know prior to that here’s a clue: after having changed their password 3 or 4 times they suddenly stop changing it,and give you open access)
- They lie. Then they lie about having lied.
- They turn all questions back on you. “Where have you been hon” gets answered with “Why are you stalking me”
- They tell you that you are the one with the problem, you have trust issues & need help.
- If they agree to a course of action, like a text when they are late, they keep it up for no more than 3 weeks.
- If they get a call or text while you are there they say “just let it go. It’s only work, I’ll take care of it later”
- If they become concerned you are ready to leave them they buy you something.
- If they feel like you are about to accuse them of something they preempt you. They say “I don’t think you love me” or “I have no idea why you can’t trust me”.
- They accuse you of not having enough sex with them and ask what is wrong with you.
I will grant that there might be an occasional “accidental” cheater who will never do it again. I’ve never known of such a person, but I suppose it’s possible. If this is the case, keep in mind how normal, non-cheaters behave: they are mortified that you could ever think such a thing, and they go out of their way to prove they are not fooling around.
If you are still unconvinced, I suggest you take a look at look at ChumpLady’s blog. There you will find hundreds of stories just like mine. There it will become clear to you that you are not responsible for your partners indiscretions; they are.