I am So, So Mad.

I’m mad at my ex for reeling me in, taking me down, then leaving me. I’m mad at the stupid women who engaged my ex in his narcissistic need for constant esteem boosts, believing it was my fault our marriage sucked. I’m so mad at myself for believing it was my fault our marriage sucked.

I’m mad at my body for being sick and getting cancer. I’m mad at it’s constant need for medication, trips to the doctor, tests and needles and crap.

I’m mad at my parents for leaving me so scared and anxious as a child that I’d throw away my life on an obvious illusion. I’m mad that we never talked about any of it until my life fell apart. I’m mad at myself for never feeling like I’m good enough.

I’m mad at my kids for not taking their responsibilities seriously. I’m mad at them for making me babysit them through homework. I’m mad that my primary purpose in life is to Nag, Nag, Nag.

I’m even mad at my dog for not being nicer to our new cat. I get it Dog – you’ve had us all to yourself for 3 years and here comes this adorable cat, claiming our attention. Here she is, wanting to sit next to me and wanting me to pet, taking your place. I’m mad that I have to keep watching you to make sure you’re not bullying the cat.

I’m just stinking Mad.

I practice Gratitude every day. I look around and see others in worse shape than I. I do my yoga, my meditation, my journaling every day. But I’m still so Mad.

I can’t stop thinking sure it could be worse, and I shouldn’t be immune to bad things, but seriously…..look around. Look at the people who’s biggest battle in life is getting their kids to eat their vegetables, or how to find the right dress for their upcoming social event, or how to get their kids to Not take school so seriously (yes, apparently there are kids like that, although I have never had one). I know – everyone’s problems are legitimate problems to them, and I have no “right” to dismiss their problems, or claim mine to be worse.

I know all of this. I say all the right things, go through all the right motions, do the “healing work” that’s supposed to make things better.

But I’m just too damn Mad.