FEAR Future Events Appearing Real When my ex first left I was terrified. He'd spent over 20 years putting me down in a way I didn't understand. When he left I felt helpless and doomed. As has been the case in my adult years, my parents showed up. My father, who I've never … Continue reading Future Events Appearing Real
fear
the Downside of “The Universe”
Truth Bombs I love yoga, my yoga studio and my yoga peeps. For a time I bought into the idea that "the universe" speaks to us. It is an attractive idea, right? In the same way religious people say their lives are controlled by God, many yoga peeps say our lives are controlled by … Continue reading the Downside of “The Universe”
Why I Stayed with My Covert Narcissist
Human Doormat Syndrome I suffer from Human Doormat Syndrome (HDS). I'm thinking of starting a recovery program for fellow sufferers. Like AA, we could come together in a circle, take turns saying "Hi. I'm MurphyCee and I am a Human Doormat". Then we could share our stories of how we've willingly allowed others to … Continue reading Why I Stayed with My Covert Narcissist
Funny Story About Manners
When my ex was divorcing his 1st wife, and in the years that followed since they have a child together, she would write to him and always say Hi X, blah, blah, blah. Hope all is well. Thanks, Y. Generally, these letter would involve an issue, because the only time she would write … Continue reading Funny Story About Manners
Are We Victims?
I had my 2nd EMDR session on Tuesday. As successful as the 1st one was, the 2nd one was equally unsuccessful. The week before I felt able to share freely, I held nothing back, and what I shared was genuine and authentic to me. This week, it felt forced. I felt like I was reaching … Continue reading Are We Victims?
Instead of Breaking
The glassblower knows: while in the heat of beginning, any shape is possible. Once hardened, the only way to change is to break. The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo That is the opening passage for February 19. I am much further along in the book (started reading it daily last April) so I'm not even sure … Continue reading Instead of Breaking
Yoga Queen
Today I got a "damn girl" from one of the regular's at my yoga studio. It was particularly exciting, because it came from one of the better Yogi's in the class! In case you didn't know, February 4th marked the beginning of the Year of the Monkey. In recognition, our teacher focused class on … Continue reading Yoga Queen
The Paradox of Fear
Since I've been diagnosed with PSTD, and am about to embark on treatment specific to this issue, I feel compelled to research what this means. EMDR, the current treatment for PSTD, addresses the connections in the many components of our brain. I will be undergoing the same treatment as a soldier returning from war, … Continue reading The Paradox of Fear
Sidestepping the Pain
I don't want to write about pain anymore. Yes, I am in pain. Every time I think it's gone, it resurfaces, and I wallow. And I'm so, so tired of it! If the only way out is through it, I guess I won't get out, because I'm not going through it anymore. I'm going to … Continue reading Sidestepping the Pain
My Brain on Trauma
This is hard for me to write, hard for me to say, hard for me to admit. I am a perpetual victim. Of my own making. I knew I didn't handle stressful situations well, but I had no idea that I respond to situations like a victim. Before I tell you what happened, I … Continue reading My Brain on Trauma
Groomed but Escaped 