It’s all bullshit.  Here’s a list of the lies I’ve been living:

  1.  That I can be more then what I am right now.  I can’t.  I am not the person who stands up for herself.  I’m not the person who looks a bully in the eye and says don’t talk to me that way.  I’m the one who slinks away in shame.  Period.
  2. That I am like this because of my childhood.  I grew up in an upper middle class family with two parents and all the privileges a person needs to be success.  I fucked myself up; not them.
  3. That my ex “abused” me.  He didn’t.
  4. That my ex is a narcissist.  Quite frankly, I’ve come to believe that I’m the narcissist.  I’m the one who thinks everything is about her.  I’m the one who thinks that whenever people are whispering it’s about me, or whenever someone asks me something there is an ulterior motive.  That’s all me; not him.
  5. That I am, or can be, a good parent.  I’m not.  I’m a pushover and a sucker.
  6. That I don’t deserve where I am right now in my life.  I do.  I didn’t take care of myself and I ended up sick,  I wasn’t a good wife and I’m getting divorced, I’m not a good friend and I’m alone.  If I’m a victim of anyone, it’s myself.

Here’s what I am:  a drama queen, who’s ridiculously sensitive, who misreads what is happening around her, who is demanding and selfish, and actually has more then she deserves.  I am disruptive, loud, obnoxious, unhelpful, incompetent, over-reactive and  inconsequential.  I wish I was a ghost so  I could fly away and leave everyone around me in peace, especially my children who did not ask to be born into this mess I’ve both created and perpetuate.

There comes a time when we just have to accept who we are, right?  That time for me is now.