It’s taken a long time to get here, but I finally get it – I replaced my dysfunctional birth family with a dysfunctional husband, and together, we created Dysfunction Central.
I’ve known for a long time that we had problems; hence this blog. Truthfully though, I was more than happy to take the blame for our issues. As a matter of fact, when he finally left, I wrote him a long letter pouring out my guts, apologizing for all the ways I had failed him. I got back a long letter , citing all the examples of my failures I had overlooked! I just re-read them this morning and, if I were feeling better right now, I’d probably be hysterically laughing and the ludicrousness of it all.
I feel like I should change the name of my blog to “Life, As Shown on TV”. I’m now watching all of the shows I avoided during my marriage; the shows that depict devoted, yet wacky, families. My latest show is Parenthood. The good old Braveman Family. There are so many things about them I wish I and my family were, and I won’t bore you with all of that right now.
Right now I am focusing on the birth of Adam & Kristina’s 3rd baby, and I am filled with remorse. Having a baby with someone is supposed to be a time of support, caring and love. It’s supposed to be a time in which the spouse takes care of the person giving birth. It’s supposed to be a time during which the spouse goes to bat for the wife, making sure she has what she needs, is being attended to by the Dr’s and Nurse’s.
I got the guy who fell asleep on the chair while I was in labor. I got the guy who wouldn’t walk out to the nurses desk to ask for something because “They’ll be in soon”. I got the guy who talked to the Dr. about golf, cooking, snorkeling; anything except me and his baby. I got the guy who later mocked my behavior to others. Yup. The guy who says “yeah, she carried on” which, by the way, is not true, if for no other reason than I was always too embarrassed around him to speak up for myself!
To top it all off, I got the guy who then paraded himself around like he was Father of the Year. He took every opportunity he could to fall asleep with the baby in his arms, especially if company was coming. Great Photo Opportunities! I got the guy who took off the 1st week after I had our 1st child and spent it refinishing the basement, at least until the neighbors came over and he was once again became Father of the Year. Babies are his chance to shine, and he took advantage of it every step of the way.
You know what? I Did Not Deserve That. I did not deserve to feel like I was an imposition while giving birth. I did not deserve to be treated like a drama queen when I protested giving birth without an epidural. I did not deserve to be put down, right in front of my face, because I cried during labor or while giving birth. And I most certainly did not deserve his horrible stories afterwards.
I deserved to be Taken Care Of. I deserved to have a husband who cared more about me and the baby than his own sleep, or remodeling job. I deserved the husband who, when I asked for something, headed right to the nurses station to get it for me. I deserved the kind of man who brags that his wife gave birth with no pain meds, bragged about how well I did during delivery, how strong and capable I was.
I love my boys, but I am filled with regret that I gave what should have been a euphoric experience to that man; that I sacrificed my pride, comfort and joy for someone who was all too happy to take it from me..
He did not deserve me; I was way too good for him.